Something Good

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked miserable past
I must have had a moment of truth

For here you are
Standing there
Loving me
Whether or not you should

So somewhere in my youth
Or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

i'm afraid

that tonight will be my last memory of you. I'm hoping for a miracle. I don't know what I'm going to do without. I've never lost anyone close to me before, and I never wanted you to be the first one I'd have to lose. I love you so much.
The world will be a much colder place without you. A place I don't want to ever live in although I know its inevitable.



Please don't let this be goodbye.
I love you pop-pop.

Merry Christmas

I can't believe that this christmas is already over. I feel like last winter break just ended. This year has flown by and I've changed a lot (like i do every year).

I really feel like when I reflect on my life around this time of the year, I'm always very optimistic and I always write things like "how put together my life is now"
or how "i've changed for the better" and how i feel so much "smarter, stronger, more capable of achieving my dreams" and blah blah blah blah blah.

It's getting a little cliche, isn't it?

I honestly do feel this way, but life is always going to be full of obstacles and things that are going to pull me down or build me back up.


These days, I don't feel like writing about how I feel like a "fighter" or how i've worked hard and i deserve everything i get. I feel like reflecting on why I do what I do.

Why? Why anything?
Why school? Why do I want a family? Why do I want good relationships with others? Why do I care what people think? Why do I want a good job? Money? Why do I create art? Why?

Today, I'm stuck at work. The day after christmas. It's been moderately busy, but not busy enough to occupy my mind. Not busy enough to keep me from blogging either apparently.
Here I am t y p i n g away.

New revelation:
I want a good job, preferably involving art, which I purely just enjoy doing, so I can make a decent living and support myself well enough so that I don't have to go without.
Why do I not want to go without? I want to live simply, but comfortably. I never want to have to go hungry, I don't want to worry about the electricity or the heat or the water getting shut off. I want the basics (well, in this country at least)to be covered. After that's taken care of for the most part, I want to just enjoy whatever time I have left to live.

I don't want to blow all of my money on Ikea, Dolce and Gabbana, Chardonnay, expensive cars, and clothing, makeup, etc etc etc

I want to spend my money traveling, experiencing what the world has to offer. I want to donate money, start a fund, give back to the make the world a happier place.

Clothing goes out of style, makeup gets washed off at the end of the day, furniture breaks and couch cushions get flattened out and uncomfortable, wallpaper yellows and fades and paint chips off the wall, the porcelain in the tub gets grimy and the sink starts a nice steady drip.

But nobody can take my life experiences away from me. You can't take the things I've seen and learned out of my head. You can always lose it all. Nothing is permanent, life itself is transient. Your very existence is a drop of water in the ocean of life, of time.

That's all.

I don't want to waste whatever time I have over trivial things I won't miss when I'm on my death bed. I just want to spend my time surrounded by loved ones and enjoying life as much as I can, while giving back what I can.

My new years resolution this year is to NOT WORRY ABOUT STUPID SHIT.

it comes and goes, there's always something new to freak out about.
I'm tired of that cycle.

Lets see if I can put my money where my mouth is and actually hold to it.
I hope so.
wish me luck.

Say say say

this video makes me smile :)

25

Confession:

I have 2 blogs. One, which is a secret, and this one, which is public.

I don't know when I'll be ready to reveal the second blog. Maybe never. The first step is acceptance I guess. So I'm accepting that I made it and by doing that I'm accepting what I wrote in it.

Blunt honesty. Too many people read this blog, I can't be as candid as I once was when it was completely annoymous. You start censoring yourself, you don't want others to think differently of you.

I've got layers, just like the rest of you. As much as we say we know everything about each other, I'm pretty sure we all have skeletons in the closet. Things we may never talk about, and I respect that. I'm okay with that.

The second blog is like my id. The hidden, more primal part of me. The secretive buried part. Everything and everyone I write about is kept totally annoymous. And I don't blantently bash anyone, there isn't anything needlessly hurtful in them. Just my true feelings which I can't always verbalize or talk about. It's nothing more than an outlet. This blog- the mixed up mind of sapphireray is my ego. It's where the thoughts come out to the surface to play, to be worked out, to be sorted so I can understand myself a bit better.

The other blog helps me to understand myself too, but I don't know if I always like what I find out.

Will you feel better, better, better?

I feel so much better after saturday night and sunday. I was falling apart, tearing up at my desk at work, losing my composure.

But I'm feeling more like me again. And it's due to my mom, aidan, danielle, and especially vince. I love you.

Thank you for always being there and for being patient and understanding and for helping me to look at the positives in life.
Everytime I look at you, I see what I'm living for.

i feel subhuman.

its like people don't want my help at all or i'm just a means to an end.

i don't know which is worse.

i know it's not true. i know so many people that care about me. i'm just feeling really alone right now. i can't express how i'm feeling and i feel isolated even though i'm surrounded by other people. i want this feeling to just go away.


i just want things to go back but i know they never will.

and at the same time, i feel so stupid for wanting something impossible.

everyone else has so much going on, and i feel like there's no point in complaining about all of this, because everyone has their own shit. who cares? who really cares?

What do I want for christmas?
take back the gifts, i just want my family back.

I miss my grandparents, I miss my brother, I want my great grandparents to get better instead of dying, I want my aunt to come around again because I miss her so much, i just want things to go back. I want to stop crying.

I don't know.