Reflection Paper

            I intentionally waited until the day before the very end of the semester to write this paper. Every time a semester ends, a special feeling comes over me. The feeling is hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words I would say it’s a bundle of elating, exhausting, and bittersweet emotions. This time, it’s a bit different. I always felt that classes in my undergraduate education were challenging, but I always knew that graduate school was ahead with greater challenges. I loved the university I attended for my undergraduate education and I miss it, and although I was happy with what I achieved there, I never felt completely proud of myself. I was just “doing what I had to do” in order to do well so I could attend the graduate school of my choice. The art therapy program was very small there. I was the only art therapy major graduate in 2010. Attending graduate school has been a bit surreal. I’ve been working up to this point in my life since I decided I wanted to become an art therapist in high school. I always felt excited when I thought about graduate school, but also felt very fearful. What if I just didn’t add up? What if I couldn’t handle this? What if I wasn’t “good enough”? And when I began classes at Marywood, the “what if’s” tagged along with me.

The spring and summer before graduate school brought many changes for me. I was so caught up in my life at that point that I wasn’t thinking about the actual experience of graduate school. I never had the chance to think about the ways that I would grow and change during my time here. I made sure to take care of financial aid, living arrangements, and course registration. I never thought about what the actual experiences of attending classes, and meeting people, and getting involved would be like and how those experiences would change me as a person. Now that I’m here, the future still seems hazy, but I know that I’m heading in the direction that I want to go towards. I’m surprised by the ways that I’ve changed. I never thought that I could move away from my husband, family and friends. There were a couple of close calls in the beginning of the semester where I seriously considered leaving the program and going back home. I’ve never been away like this before, but looking back on the semester, I’m so happy that I pushed through those emotions and forced myself to stay. I know that if I left the program, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Now that I’m here, I can’t imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. It’s starting to feel like home. I’m on a journey of growth. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger and resilient that I believed myself to be. I can know that I can do this, whatever it takes. I’m not sure what comes next for me, but I know that I’m getting one step closer to the life that I want to live.

I am amazed by the way that my view of this class has transformed over the semester.  During my undergraduate education, I was warned not to treat my personal art as “therapy”. Looking back, I remember feeling an inner conflict about what to communicate in my work and what medium suited me best. I was so focused on working to find my artistic “style” and always felt that I was coming up short. During our studio class, I felt a freedom to explore in ways that I never would have been brave enough to experiment in during in undergraduate studio classes. I gravitated towards media that I was interested in without thought of whether or not I would succeed or fail. The process has made me feel both vulnerable and empowered. The end results of the books are a source of uncertainty. At times, I feel happy when I look at them, at other times I feel that I could have created work that was better in technical skill. The books are some of my most revealing pieces. Viewing the books brings up a lot of questions for me. Although I created the books to process and share my experiences over the semester, the construction of the books and the way I presented them for our group show make it so that the viewer still only catches snippets of the experiences, not the full story. I feel that the presentation of the books reflects the way that I look at life. When I think back, I see significant snippets of my life in my mind. I never seem to remember the day to day experiences.

There have been so many challenges to face this semester. Relating to studio, I usually prefer to work on my art alone. I tried to make a constant effort to work on my books in class, especially the more personal aspects like writing excerpts from my personal blog into the books. I need to continue to open myself up to the uncertain, to not over thinking things as much as I do and just begin acting on them. I feel really closed off from other people at times, like I can’t express myself to others for fear of being too vulnerable. This is an obstacle that I am working to overcome. With each assignment and presentation, I can feel my confidence growing. I’ve grown to really trust my cohort. I feel so lucky to have met everyone and I’m excited to see how our friendships grow and change as time goes on.

As I sit here on the night before my last class of the fall semester, I feel really peaceful. I’m so lucky to have this chance, and I’ve promised myself that I won’t take a moment of this for granted.