I was pretty skeptical. When I was single I would eat that stuff up like candy, but ever since I entered into a meaningful relationship with Vince, I stopped being interested in those kinds of articles and even roll my eyes a little bit. As if an article can tell you how to find the love of your life, right. Sure. I remember the pain, patience, hope, and lots of luck that it took in order to be with Vince. Somehow our situations just synched up at the right point in our lives, at the right place, at the right time. And the rest is history.
The article discusses tips from a best selling book called Calling in “The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. I decided to read what she had to say out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. . . A lot of this advice is similar to the things I did when I was hoping to find "the one" for like the 7th time. I was between boyfriends at the moment lol Always thinking the next one might be THE one, and sick of it. So instead of jumping into a relationship with the next person who showed an interest in me with the rationale that I should "at least give them a chance because you never know"
Instead, I stuck to my guns. I wasn't getting into a relationship with anyone again unless I was sure about it. Unless it really did feel right.
I listed the tips that Yahoo provided from the book below and added my own comments about each tip.
Attraction Tip #1: Envision the relationship you want to be in
Thomas, a licensed psychotherapist, says that many of her clients are stymied in their quests for love partly because they cannot envision themselves being in a loving relationship with someone else. “Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want,” Thomas counsels, “it will be difficult for you to create it.” Calling in “The One” offers a number of concrete exercises — such as creating a collage of lifelong dreams and writing the story of one’s life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled — that helps the reader identify his or her personal vision of a truly satisfying relationship. “It was fun to imagine the ideal life that I wanted for myself,” Carly C. says. “I enjoyed thinking about my ‘dream’ soul mate, and then relaxing and letting it go rather than struggling and feeling anxious about whether he would ever enter my life.”
Before meeting Vince I did A LOT of daydreaming. I am constantly daydreaming, but the difference with my daydreams during the 3 months before Vince and I started dating was that I didn't daydream about a specific guy. I held onto this picture:
Attraction Tip #2: Release any toxic ties and let go of the past
In her book, Thomas explains that the relationships we form “have the capacity to nurture and inspire our growth” or to “block the experience and expression of love in our lives.” Thomas identifies “toxic ties” as attachments “that cause us to lose personal power.” These attachments can include prior romantic partners, friends or relatives, and when we don’t release these “toxic ties,” they can prevent us from moving forward with our love lives and keep us from attracting a partner who nurtures and supports us. In the “Practice” section of the chapter, “Releasing Toxic Ties,” Thomas encourages readers to journal about questions they may have regarding this issue, including:
What relationship(s), if any, do I suspect may qualify as a ‘toxic tie’ for me?
What fears are dominating me in this relationship?
What boundaries could I set that would increase the health and wellness in this relationship?
“Doing this exercise, I felt myself open up as I dealt with some old resentment I had harbored toward my father,” Carly C. says. “Even though I have been in therapy about the issue over the years, actually doing the concrete exercises helped me to let go of the feelings of fear, anger and disappointment I was clinging to; it was a great, cathartic relief. I felt my heart really begin to open for a mate to enter into my life.”
Before meeting Vince, I constantly kept in touch with my ex's. Usually it was the boyfriend who I had recently separated from. When I like someone, I usually think I love them- I get attached, then I try to maintain that attachment even after a breakup in a sad belief that "we can still be friends". Usually, that's not actually the case and I keep my feelings hidden while I watch them move on. Then I get hurt and resentful over and over and over again. In the past year before I met Vince, I began to move on from many of these relationships that didn't work out. I cut ties with one ex in particular who could accurately be described as "toxic". I had stopped talking to hookup buddies. I had even lost ties with most of those guys who were friends of mine that I always wondered about dating.
The point of all of this- I left myself OPEN to meet someone new. These old relationships weren't working out, and WORSE, they were holding me back from my own happiness.
Attraction Tip #3: Set an intention for your life
Thomas says that we can create a “climate in which love can ‘miraculously manifest’” by following the first three steps for setting an intention:
“The first step: to have a thought and/or belief in a particular possibility.”
“The second step: to speak your intention out loud.”
“The third step: to take actions that support the manifestation of your intention, and abstain from those that sabotage it.”
“In other words,” Thomas writes, “I believe that finding love is possible for me, and I tell those people who are capable of seeing that possibility as well (and probably even those I’m dating) that I’m committed to finding ‘The One.’ Then I do that which is consistent with that intention as well as refraining from that which is not.” The fourth step of setting an intention, Thomas explains, is letting go of the results once you’ve done the work outlined in the first three steps. In other words, now it’s time to relax and let life happen to you.
This tip puts it perfectly, by setting intentions for yourself, by setting a goal, you're making space in your life to bring that goal to fruition. I had a lot of really sad and lonely times before I met Vince. If you don't believe me, read my blog entries in early 2009 right before we met. Finding real love is not an easy road. It means being with yourself and not clinging to toxic relationships that give you a false sense of security and connectedness. I knew what I wanted and needed in a new romantic relationship and I was ready to look for that, and more importantly WAIT for it. I wasn't going to try and mold the next person I found into "the one". It never ever ever worked. When I met Vince, our core values synched up with each other. There was a real connection there. Keep in mind that we disagree just like everybody else, but our dreams and goals for life matched up with each other. We were CLEAR with each other from the start. We didn't go out of our way to just impress the other- we talked about our lives honestly and searched to see if the other person matched up. We wanted to discover if we made a good fit, if we would work out in a long term relationship. He was also looking for a long term relationship.
I learned the hard way not to try and make someone who wasn't looking for a long term relationship to be with me. It always ended in heartache.
Attraction Tip #4: Write a love letter to yourself
Imagine that you are your ideal partner and put aside a quiet half hour to write a love letter addressed to yourself. What would your partner love and notice about you? How would that person express his or her caring for you? Expect to feel resistance toward completing this exercise, but push through and see what you might learn about yourself from your letter and what your ideal relationship and partner would look like. After a life coach recommended it to her, Heather G., a 46-year-old from Seattle, WA, decided to work through the book on her own and says that she “especially liked the exercise of writing a love letter to myself. This was very difficult at first, but after my initial hesitation, it was very rewarding and very eye-opening. I realized that it is all about me being ready; it’s about being in the right head space, rather than just the number of people I meet.”
I don't think I ever wrote a physical letter, but I would often think about how I wanted my partner to feel about me. Thinking about the possibility that they might completely reciprocate loving and passionate feelings for me always left me feeling elated. It helped keep my morale up when I was at my loneliest. My favorite thing to do what to pretend that I was already in my dream relationship. I feel like carrying that feeling with me gave me extra confidence, an extra "spring in my step" lol
I wonder if Vince sensed that happiness in me when we first met? I already felt loved so I didn't come at him with desperation. I didn't blow up his phone and try sticking to him like glue. I allowed myself to be honest, to be sweet, but never ever desperate. There isn't a rush. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him, and we both continuously communicated this to each other through conversations. After our first week of casually dating, Vince left to go back to school. I didn't see him again for a month. We talked a few times on the phone, and I will admit I was nervous that his leaving might mean that I'd lose him, I gave him space and let him live his life. This is something that we still do now as a married couple. We talk almost everyday, but we don't feel the need to constantly keep tabs on the other.
Creating a feeling of love for yourself can give you that same feeling of confidence that you feel when you know that someone else loves you.
Attraction Tip #5: Make a welcoming space for love in your life
Thomas challenges readers to go through their homes and evaluate whether they’re welcoming environments or not. “Make a list of at least five things you can alter in your home to create a more welcoming environment for an intimate partner,” Thomas advises. “Add to that one or two things you do to alter your schedule so that there is some breathing room in your life to explore new relationships.” Heather G., who met a wonderful partner almost immediately after working through the book’s exercises, agrees: “I also really liked the idea of making room in my life for a partner. For example, that exercise inspired me to move my furniture around and move my bed away from the wall so my partner would be able to get in from his side. And I put a night table on his side, even though I didn’t have a partner yet. I also kept my schedule open enough to spend time with a partner. It really got me in the mode of expecting to meet him.”
Before Vince and I met, I went out a lot. Not partying, but just going out to social events with family and friends. My mentality was that "you never know" where you'll meet someone. So I took the time to go out and do things. I went to concerts, friends parties, little hangouts downtown and around my neighborhood with friends. I wound up bumping into Vince at a high school play. Keep in mind, Vince and I actually met on myspace a few months earlier and he expressed an attraction towards me. We had also been texting back and forth every now and then, but we had never met in person. I think that bumping into him in person is what really got the ball rolling on our relationship. I was also open to adding new people onto my social networking account, not that I think you're always going to find prince charming that way, but it worked for me! I was open to meeting new people in a variety of setting, the internet included. This doesn't mean that I added every creeper, but Vince and I had friends in common and he looked cute as could be in his pictures, can you blame me for wanted to add him? lol
This song came out after I already met Vince, but if I had heard it beforehand, I swear this would have been my "finding the one" anthem. Copy the link and watch it, I hope it makes you smile :)
Official Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
This is amazing. You don't even know how much I needed this tonight. I'm doing everything on this.
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