The Mixed Up Mind of Sapphireray

I feel so weird at times

2012-01-21T18:45:00.000-08:00

I know people think he was so strange and I know there was so much controversy in his life
but I see him as a role model. . . he got me through so much. I honestly don't think anyone could possibly understand it. I never had a real father. . . I know how strange it sounds, but by all accounts he was an amazing father to his children. They were lucky to have him.

I know, I have a father figure void so I pick Michael Jackson as my role model? He had a dark side, but don't we all? His music makes me feel alive like nothing else. I'll be 90 years old in the nursing home rocking out to the Thriller album, I know it.

I stumbled upon his music in the 5th grade. I was self-conscious, had a lot of unstable friendships, and felt very alone and insecure. His music took that away. I had no choice but to get sucked in, completely immersed into another world. I could escape from the bad friends, the backstabbers, the fights, the acne and the baby fat, the crushes that didn't like me back. He inspired me to take dance classes- another outlet for me and something I never thought I'd be good at, until his music gave me the courage to try.

As I got older, I learned more about his personal life. I didn't even know about the molestation case until I was 13 years old. It broke my heart to hear about that. And once I became aware of the charges from the 90's he was convicted of it again by another child. I lost my faith for a while. I was embarrassed by how much I liked him, looked up to him, and by how much I loved his music. I downplayed my fandom in order to fit in while I was in high school. But it was a part of my life that I couldn't keep hidden for very long. Even during sophomore year of high school, my friends knew about my obsession. I was the authority on almost anything michael.

I stopped listening to his music for a little while in college. I questioned the molestation charges and couldn't let the thought go that I had admired a pedophile for years. It honestly wasn't until a few months before his death that I sporadically rekindled my love of everything michael. All of a sudden I was a girl obsessed again, like I was in grade school. I never would have guessed that in a few months he'd be dead. I took the news hard. Just check out my blog from June 25 2009.

I honestly felt like my childhood died that day. It still feels unreal to me that he's truly gone. Sometimes I think its a conspiracy, probably much like those diehard Elvis fans out there who think he's chilling at Burger King right now with Jesus and some extraterrestrials lol

I think what I admired the most about michael is that he went big- with everything. His work has always been phenomenal. He never had an easy life. His life was full of heartbreak, of physical abuse, verbal abuse, slander, and a slew of health issues.
Despite everything he performed. He gave his all. His talent in incomparable. There will never ever be another like him. I admire his drive, he was a true performer in every sense. Its not just music to me. Its not just entertainment. He changed and continues to change my life.
When things get tough, you better believe I'm listening to his music.

I wish that he didn't get the surgeries. I wish that he could have stayed black. He was beautiful the way he was. I don't know if I believe he had vitiligo, although several pictures have been found that show the uneven pigmentation in his skin.

I try to picture michael when he was my age, at the highest point of his career. Young, successful, before the excessive surgeries, divorces, and the trials. Back when the world loved him completely and he could practically do not wrong. When he was respected solely for his talent and drive to perform. I wish I could press pause on that time in his life and just keep him there forever.
It just breaks my heart to think about the way many other aspects of his life played out. It doesn't seem fair.

rest in peace michael.

Is Prostitution a Crime or a Choice?

2012-01-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

The Past Few Nights

2012-01-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

We've been talking on the phone for hours

I can't wait to see you :)

It's almost 8 months since we got married.
It's almost 2 years and 8 months since we officially started dating.

Think we'll hit the "three year glitch"?

I love you so much

Amelie mourns her own life

2012-01-19T06:22:00.000-08:00

&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;I

I'm more like Amelie than Masha from Chekhov's The Seagull
Long story, discussion with my therapist that I don't want to forget

Thinking that you already know how your life is going to turn out doesn't really give you control, it boxes you in. There's no script to follow, I'm not a character in a play. I can be whoever I want to be if I give myself the chance.
Maybe that's why I like the movie Amelie. She hides behind herself refusing to step out of her own way for almost the entire movie. She knows what she wants but is too afraid to just reach out and grab it. She causes her own pain. Luckily, its a happy ending because she finds herself in the company of others who help her realize this. These people really care and push Amelie in the right direction.
She was so afraid to live her life, I think I'm a bit afraid to live my life too. But I'm pushing in the right direction, I'm getting back on the road

Finding "the one"

2012-01-15T06:06:00.000-08:00

Before checking my email this morning, I came across an article on Yahoo called "How to attract true love your way"
I was pretty skeptical. When I was single I would eat that stuff up like candy, but ever since I entered into a meaningful relationship with Vince, I stopped being interested in those kinds of articles and even roll my eyes a little bit. As if an article can tell you how to find the love of your life, right. Sure. I remember the pain, patience, hope, and lots of luck that it took in order to be with Vince. Somehow our situations just synched up at the right point in our lives, at the right place, at the right time. And the rest is history.

The article discusses tips from a best selling book called Calling in “The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. I decided to read what she had to say out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. . . A lot of this advice is similar to the things I did when I was hoping to find "the one" for like the 7th time. I was between boyfriends at the moment lol Always thinking the next one might be THE one, and sick of it. So instead of jumping into a relationship with the next person who showed an interest in me with the rationale that I should "at least give them a chance because you never know"
Instead, I stuck to my guns. I wasn't getting into a relationship with anyone again unless I was sure about it. Unless it really did feel right.

I listed the tips that Yahoo provided from the book below and added my own comments about each tip.

Attraction Tip #1: Envision the relationship you want to be in
Thomas, a licensed psychotherapist, says that many of her clients are stymied in their quests for love partly because they cannot envision themselves being in a loving relationship with someone else. “Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want,” Thomas counsels, “it will be difficult for you to create it.” Calling in “The One” offers a number of concrete exercises — such as creating a collage of lifelong dreams and writing the story of one’s life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled — that helps the reader identify his or her personal vision of a truly satisfying relationship. “It was fun to imagine the ideal life that I wanted for myself,” Carly C. says. “I enjoyed thinking about my ‘dream’ soul mate, and then relaxing and letting it go rather than struggling and feeling anxious about whether he would ever enter my life.”

Before meeting Vince I did A LOT of daydreaming. I am constantly daydreaming, but the difference with my daydreams during the 3 months before Vince and I started dating was that I didn't daydream about a specific guy. I held onto this picture:

That image embodies the relationship I want, and the kind of relationship I soon was able to achieve with Vince only a few months later. I bought a postcard with this image on it and would look at it every night before bed. Then I would think about what I looking for in a relationship. I looked at the couple, so passionate, so oblivious to everything rushing around them. I wanted someone who was passionate but who could slow down with me. BE with me. The couple is out and about, and taking a moment to just be with each other, even while they're surrounded by the chaos of the outside world. They appear well dressed, as if they're going somewhere worthwhile. It wasn't something I was aware of at the time, but I had dated so many boys with low motivations, which created a lot of arguments between us. This picture, to me, shows a couple who is literally going somewhere. I wanted to progress, to improve, to "go somewhere" with my next relationship. I wasn't looking for a "boyfriend", I was looking for a companion, for a partner. I would put that picture underneath my pillow at night and make myself believe that I would meet that person soon. I reminded myself not to give up hope.

Attraction Tip #2: Release any toxic ties and let go of the past
In her book, Thomas explains that the relationships we form “have the capacity to nurture and inspire our growth” or to “block the experience and expression of love in our lives.” Thomas identifies “toxic ties” as attachments “that cause us to lose personal power.” These attachments can include prior romantic partners, friends or relatives, and when we don’t release these “toxic ties,” they can prevent us from moving forward with our love lives and keep us from attracting a partner who nurtures and supports us. In the “Practice” section of the chapter, “Releasing Toxic Ties,” Thomas encourages readers to journal about questions they may have regarding this issue, including:

What relationship(s), if any, do I suspect may qualify as a ‘toxic tie’ for me?
What fears are dominating me in this relationship?
What boundaries could I set that would increase the health and wellness in this relationship?

“Doing this exercise, I felt myself open up as I dealt with some old resentment I had harbored toward my father,” Carly C. says. “Even though I have been in therapy about the issue over the years, actually doing the concrete exercises helped me to let go of the feelings of fear, anger and disappointment I was clinging to; it was a great, cathartic relief. I felt my heart really begin to open for a mate to enter into my life.”

Before meeting Vince, I constantly kept in touch with my ex's. Usually it was the boyfriend who I had recently separated from. When I like someone, I usually think I love them- I get attached, then I try to maintain that attachment even after a breakup in a sad belief that "we can still be friends". Usually, that's not actually the case and I keep my feelings hidden while I watch them move on. Then I get hurt and resentful over and over and over again. In the past year before I met Vince, I began to move on from many of these relationships that didn't work out. I cut ties with one ex in particular who could accurately be described as "toxic". I had stopped talking to hookup buddies. I had even lost ties with most of those guys who were friends of mine that I always wondered about dating.

The point of all of this- I left myself OPEN to meet someone new. These old relationships weren't working out, and WORSE, they were holding me back from my own happiness.

Attraction Tip #3: Set an intention for your life
Thomas says that we can create a “climate in which love can ‘miraculously manifest’” by following the first three steps for setting an intention:

“The first step: to have a thought and/or belief in a particular possibility.”
“The second step: to speak your intention out loud.”
“The third step: to take actions that support the manifestation of your intention, and abstain from those that sabotage it.”

“In other words,” Thomas writes, “I believe that finding love is possible for me, and I tell those people who are capable of seeing that possibility as well (and probably even those I’m dating) that I’m committed to finding ‘The One.’ Then I do that which is consistent with that intention as well as refraining from that which is not.” The fourth step of setting an intention, Thomas explains, is letting go of the results once you’ve done the work outlined in the first three steps. In other words, now it’s time to relax and let life happen to you.

This tip puts it perfectly, by setting intentions for yourself, by setting a goal, you're making space in your life to bring that goal to fruition. I had a lot of really sad and lonely times before I met Vince. If you don't believe me, read my blog entries in early 2009 right before we met. Finding real love is not an easy road. It means being with yourself and not clinging to toxic relationships that give you a false sense of security and connectedness. I knew what I wanted and needed in a new romantic relationship and I was ready to look for that, and more importantly WAIT for it. I wasn't going to try and mold the next person I found into "the one". It never ever ever worked. When I met Vince, our core values synched up with each other. There was a real connection there. Keep in mind that we disagree just like everybody else, but our dreams and goals for life matched up with each other. We were CLEAR with each other from the start. We didn't go out of our way to just impress the other- we talked about our lives honestly and searched to see if the other person matched up. We wanted to discover if we made a good fit, if we would work out in a long term relationship. He was also looking for a long term relationship.
I learned the hard way not to try and make someone who wasn't looking for a long term relationship to be with me. It always ended in heartache.

Attraction Tip #4: Write a love letter to yourself
Imagine that you are your ideal partner and put aside a quiet half hour to write a love letter addressed to yourself. What would your partner love and notice about you? How would that person express his or her caring for you? Expect to feel resistance toward completing this exercise, but push through and see what you might learn about yourself from your letter and what your ideal relationship and partner would look like. After a life coach recommended it to her, Heather G., a 46-year-old from Seattle, WA, decided to work through the book on her own and says that she “especially liked the exercise of writing a love letter to myself. This was very difficult at first, but after my initial hesitation, it was very rewarding and very eye-opening. I realized that it is all about me being ready; it’s about being in the right head space, rather than just the number of people I meet.”

I don't think I ever wrote a physical letter, but I would often think about how I wanted my partner to feel about me. Thinking about the possibility that they might completely reciprocate loving and passionate feelings for me always left me feeling elated. It helped keep my morale up when I was at my loneliest. My favorite thing to do what to pretend that I was already in my dream relationship. I feel like carrying that feeling with me gave me extra confidence, an extra "spring in my step" lol
I wonder if Vince sensed that happiness in me when we first met? I already felt loved so I didn't come at him with desperation. I didn't blow up his phone and try sticking to him like glue. I allowed myself to be honest, to be sweet, but never ever desperate. There isn't a rush. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him, and we both continuously communicated this to each other through conversations. After our first week of casually dating, Vince left to go back to school. I didn't see him again for a month. We talked a few times on the phone, and I will admit I was nervous that his leaving might mean that I'd lose him, I gave him space and let him live his life. This is something that we still do now as a married couple. We talk almost everyday, but we don't feel the need to constantly keep tabs on the other.
Creating a feeling of love for yourself can give you that same feeling of confidence that you feel when you know that someone else loves you.

Attraction Tip #5: Make a welcoming space for love in your life
Thomas challenges readers to go through their homes and evaluate whether they’re welcoming environments or not. “Make a list of at least five things you can alter in your home to create a more welcoming environment for an intimate partner,” Thomas advises. “Add to that one or two things you do to alter your schedule so that there is some breathing room in your life to explore new relationships.” Heather G., who met a wonderful partner almost immediately after working through the book’s exercises, agrees: “I also really liked the idea of making room in my life for a partner. For example, that exercise inspired me to move my furniture around and move my bed away from the wall so my partner would be able to get in from his side. And I put a night table on his side, even though I didn’t have a partner yet. I also kept my schedule open enough to spend time with a partner. It really got me in the mode of expecting to meet him.”

Before Vince and I met, I went out a lot. Not partying, but just going out to social events with family and friends. My mentality was that "you never know" where you'll meet someone. So I took the time to go out and do things. I went to concerts, friends parties, little hangouts downtown and around my neighborhood with friends. I wound up bumping into Vince at a high school play. Keep in mind, Vince and I actually met on myspace a few months earlier and he expressed an attraction towards me. We had also been texting back and forth every now and then, but we had never met in person. I think that bumping into him in person is what really got the ball rolling on our relationship. I was also open to adding new people onto my social networking account, not that I think you're always going to find prince charming that way, but it worked for me! I was open to meeting new people in a variety of setting, the internet included. This doesn't mean that I added every creeper, but Vince and I had friends in common and he looked cute as could be in his pictures, can you blame me for wanted to add him? lol

This song came out after I already met Vince, but if I had heard it beforehand, I swear this would have been my "finding the one" anthem. Copy the link and watch it, I hope it makes you smile :)
Official Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Cast of Psych talks about MJ

2012-01-14T18:24:00.000-08:00

these interviews make me love the show Psych even more. They're always throwing Michael references into the show and its hysterical xD
I love their references bc they're not cheaply picking on his personal life like you normally hear in comedies.

get it, got it, good.

2012-01-12T06:59:00.001-08:00

If I step away from myself and attend to the present moment, I won't be anxious.

That's what he was trying to get me to understand.

* actually, in retrospect i don't think that was what he was trying to tell me at all. I think that's what I wanted to get out of it. A simple answer. I've tried attending to the present moment and still felt a lot of uncomfortable and uncertain, anxious feelings. But the difference between my reactions to the here and now before my first meeting with my therapist and after is that now I push myself to act in those situations instead of completely freezing up. Its definitely a struggle, and there isn't an easy shortcut way of feeling better. I believe that if I keep facing up to those uncertain situations and act upon them, I will improve with time.
Remember- Not making a decision IS making a decision.

first session

2012-01-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

I was so nervous walking up to see the therapist. What if it went horribly? What if I didn't like him? What if I left feeling worse?

He clarified the way I have been feeling, and helped me to think about why I act the way that I do. Why do I have anxiety and why do I cope with it by avoiding unknown situations that leave me feeling stupid and vulnerable. He is right- I need to embrace that feeling of being out on a wire, putting myself on the line, letting go of some of that control. I have issues focusing on the "here and now". This moment is really the only one that I have, I need to stop worrying constantly about what *might* happen tomorrow and just focus on what I need to do right here, right now, this moment.

He is the first person to ever tell me to accept my anxiety as a part of me. It is a part of me, not something to be taken out of me and destroyed. It will always be with me, but I can take control of it, learn to cope with it, and call my own shots without my anxieties getting in the way of what I want for my life. I have such high aspirations. If I can get a hold on my anxieties and change the way that I view and react to my anxiety, the sky is the limit. I know that I can do this.
I know that I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm reaching out into the world more than ever before, and I'm really proud of myself. Baby steps . . .

Here's to next weeks session- I'm looking forward to it.

keeping the promises I make to myself

2012-01-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm going for a physical today

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow

I have yet to make that dentist appointment, maybe I'll set it up for friday if they can fit me in. . .

Sticking to a workout routine

Halfway through my online drivers ed course and contemplating booking more lessons to get better on the highway

Feeling really enthusiastic about my classes

The only tough things right now is how much I miss Vince.

Other than that, I'm a little scared of branching out, of changing the way I've always done things, of changing the way I've always dealt with my life. . . its such a vulnerable feeling. I've done fairly well with my life so far but I have by no means reached my full potential. I let my fear and anxiety hold me back. I hesitate where others act. I'm so tired of being this way and its time for a big change. I hope things go well with this therapist, I'm scared of having a bad experience too. So many things to be excited for, so many things to be afraid of. I need to get rid of these anxious feelings somehow and I hope that I'm bringing myself closer to the answer. . .

It is weird that I simultaneously feel proud of myself for doing what I need to do and feel like I want to cry all at the same time?

don't blame it on the goodtimes

2012-01-08T03:33:00.000-08:00

this 

love love love this remix x3
makes me smile SO much . . . and dance in my chair . . . and lip-synch to the song . . . yuppp

pain is weakness leaving the body

2012-01-08T03:14:00.000-08:00

started my first workout is a long time

I may not be overweight, but I am by NO means in shape.

I couldn't get through the entire workout, my arms and legs are burning, and I feel kind of nauseous. But it was totally worth it. I stuck to my guns- up at 5 am, workout done by 6.
Day one was fairly successful but I have to stick with this for the long run if I want to be healthier. . .
so hey workout routine, see you tomorrow ;)

2012-01-04T08:55:00.001-08:00

adios 2011

2012-01-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

Almost time to get back to the grind

I'm ready. Bring it on bitches.

Here's to all the cliche resolutions- I'm coming at them with the best of intentions, if i even get remotely close to any of them, i'll be happy.

Working Out
Eating Better
Stopping the Sarcasm
Strengthening relationships through honesty and love
Starting a new art series
Seeing a therapist
Getting a car
Figuring out my finances
Acing my classes
Securing internships for summer, fall, and spring

Bring it on.

2011-12-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

Reflection Paper

2011-12-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

I intentionally waited until the day before the very end of the semester to write this paper. Every time a semester ends, a special feeling comes over me. The feeling is hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words I would say it’s a bundle of elating, exhausting, and bittersweet emotions. This time, it’s a bit different. I always felt that classes in my undergraduate education were challenging, but I always knew that graduate school was ahead with greater challenges. I loved the university I attended for my undergraduate education and I miss it, and although I was happy with what I achieved there, I never felt completely proud of myself. I was just “doing what I had to do” in order to do well so I could attend the graduate school of my choice. The art therapy program was very small there. I was the only art therapy major graduate in 2010. Attending graduate school has been a bit surreal. I’ve been working up to this point in my life since I decided I wanted to become an art therapist in high school. I always felt excited when I thought about graduate school, but also felt very fearful. What if I just didn’t add up? What if I couldn’t handle this? What if I wasn’t “good enough”? And when I began classes at Marywood, the “what if’s” tagged along with me.

The spring and summer before graduate school brought many changes for me. I was so caught up in my life at that point that I wasn’t thinking about the actual experience of graduate school. I never had the chance to think about the ways that I would grow and change during my time here. I made sure to take care of financial aid, living arrangements, and course registration. I never thought about what the actual experiences of attending classes, and meeting people, and getting involved would be like and how those experiences would change me as a person. Now that I’m here, the future still seems hazy, but I know that I’m heading in the direction that I want to go towards. I’m surprised by the ways that I’ve changed. I never thought that I could move away from my husband, family and friends. There were a couple of close calls in the beginning of the semester where I seriously considered leaving the program and going back home. I’ve never been away like this before, but looking back on the semester, I’m so happy that I pushed through those emotions and forced myself to stay. I know that if I left the program, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Now that I’m here, I can’t imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. It’s starting to feel like home. I’m on a journey of growth. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger and resilient that I believed myself to be. I can know that I can do this, whatever it takes. I’m not sure what comes next for me, but I know that I’m getting one step closer to the life that I want to live.

I am amazed by the way that my view of this class has transformed over the semester. During my undergraduate education, I was warned not to treat my personal art as “therapy”. Looking back, I remember feeling an inner conflict about what to communicate in my work and what medium suited me best. I was so focused on working to find my artistic “style” and always felt that I was coming up short. During our studio class, I felt a freedom to explore in ways that I never would have been brave enough to experiment in during in undergraduate studio classes. I gravitated towards media that I was interested in without thought of whether or not I would succeed or fail. The process has made me feel both vulnerable and empowered. The end results of the books are a source of uncertainty. At times, I feel happy when I look at them, at other times I feel that I could have created work that was better in technical skill. The books are some of my most revealing pieces. Viewing the books brings up a lot of questions for me. Although I created the books to process and share my experiences over the semester, the construction of the books and the way I presented them for our group show make it so that the viewer still only catches snippets of the experiences, not the full story. I feel that the presentation of the books reflects the way that I look at life. When I think back, I see significant snippets of my life in my mind. I never seem to remember the day to day experiences.

There have been so many challenges to face this semester. Relating to studio, I usually prefer to work on my art alone. I tried to make a constant effort to work on my books in class, especially the more personal aspects like writing excerpts from my personal blog into the books. I need to continue to open myself up to the uncertain, to not over thinking things as much as I do and just begin acting on them. I feel really closed off from other people at times, like I can’t express myself to others for fear of being too vulnerable. This is an obstacle that I am working to overcome. With each assignment and presentation, I can feel my confidence growing. I’ve grown to really trust my cohort. I feel so lucky to have met everyone and I’m excited to see how our friendships grow and change as time goes on.

As I sit here on the night before my last class of the fall semester, I feel really peaceful. I’m so lucky to have this chance, and I’ve promised myself that I won’t take a moment of this for granted.

I'll be home for Christmas

2011-12-13T09:03:00.001-08:00

Poetic views of the world

2011-12-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

http://weliveyoung.blogspot.com/2011/11/alba-and-world-part-two-new-zealand-and.html

Her life seems so beautiful, it reads like a fairy tale.

Although she as an amazing life traveling and doing what she loves, and an amazing talent for photography, the real magic for me is her perspective on things. She has a beautiful way of looking at things, of not only remembering but finding and appreciating the beautiful things in life. Her blog reminds me of the advice of art therapist Cathy Hyland Moon, who offers budding art therapists the advice to look at their lives in a poetic, artistic sense and the ways that this view can open you up to being in-tune with the world in a new way. I always wondered what that "poetic view" of the world could be, and in reading that blog I think I'm starting to understand a little more what that might mean for me. I want to look at the world with her eyes. I want to see the beauty, not just the practical, the common place, the unpleasant. I love the simple things, but I want to remember them more- I want to remember them at the times when I start feeling sorry for myself for not getting out more, traveling more, experiencing more. This girl's life is a life I'd like to experience at some point. Not forever because traveling exhausts me and I am lucky enough to have too many people here to leave them all behind in a whirlwind of constant travel. But I would like to venture to other parts of the world someday. Until then, I'd like to poetically view the environment I live in now, I'd like to see the beauty in spending long days on campus with my cohorts, of moving to a new room that I've never seen on a chilly winter morning, of a late night studying art therapy philosophies, of long and crowded greyhound rides home to see my husband. Maybe I'll reflect on those things more in my blog. Of course, the practical side of me sees it as a chance to work on my writing skills at the same time . . . it wouldn't be me if I didn't have that thought.

Realization

2011-11-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

Today I realized a lot of things.
I seriously misinterpreted certain parts of my life. I was wrong. In my attempts to be understood, I started losing my own abilities to understand others. I want empathy, but I also need to keep being empathetic. I still have my own needs, but I need to realize that the way others treat me isn't always a sign of disrespect or selfishness on their part. It could be the way they cope with the stress that life throws at them, it could be out of habit, it could be any number of things. I need to be more patient and understanding, and keep looking at the good things, because there are a lot of those

Top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed

2011-11-29T13:34:00.005-08:00

http://ohdarling.posterous.com/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-o

2011-11-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

I need you to be more understanding. I always try to be that way with you. Whenever you have a crisis, I'm there. I know that I am and I don't need anyone to validate that for me. I've seen you at your best and I've seen you at your worst. Can you say the same for them? I don't know.

There are times when I just need someone to be understanding, and not make me feel like I'm overreacting. Someone to not belittle me and act like only they know what's best. Someone to just hear me out and take what I say for what its worth. And just BE there. Just listen. Just understand, or try to at least have some empathy. I don't know I feel about you right now.
Being away from everyone is helping me to see things clearer. When you're out of a situation for a while, it opens your eyes. I won't play these games anymore. I won't feel guilt tripped for things that aren't my fault. I won't be sorry for being happy. And I won't be anyone's personal therapist anymore . . .unless I'm getting paid to do it.

wowwww

2011-11-19T13:26:00.001-08:00

Crazy!!! Best add for cover-up I've ever seen lol

2011-11-16T03:38:00.000-08:00

found this on The Smith's facebook page.
The kid is SO adorable, reminds me of the kind of son that vince and I would probably have. . . not talking about the sappy ending, just all the antics the kid carries out to get christmas to come faster lmao

The Office

2011-11-11T16:07:00.000-08:00

I would say that I "have no life" and that's why I got through every existing season of The Office in under a month . . . but I do have a life, and a shit ton of homework to do lol

ANYways- I did watch every season of The Office. I got to the episode where Michael Scott leaves today, and I bawled my eyes out. yupp. What can I say, I love that character! lol

I have a weird connection to the show- I live in the town its supposed to take place in, Scranton PA.
They frequently mention Philadelphia, where my family is from and where I grew up.
In season 3, Pam goes to Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, NY for graphic design. I applied to Pratt for graduate school, but wound up at Marywood instead.
And finally, Michael leaves the office to live in Boulder, Colorado. I almost applied to a school in Boulder for my master's degree. Its just kinda creepy

"I'm excited about life"

2011-11-09T16:37:00.000-08:00

That art directive had a big effect on a few of the other people in class, it isn't just me.

It brought out a lot more emotion than it seemed capable of doing. It seemed like such a simple directive, but I got really emotional after the fact.

I want to talk about this with my professor, I really want to hear her input about this and if she's ever had a similar experience.

ugh :/

2011-11-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

I started out so good this morning.
We had to do this therapy directive where we write how we're feeling in a word or a phase, and I wrote "I'm excited about life"

I regret writing it because I almost feel like half of the day was dedicated to beating that excitement out of me.

I didn't share my thoughts after the process was over. I'm finding it so hard to talk in class, or to share my thoughts. Sometimes I just feel trapped in my own head. Its so frustrating. I'm better one on one with people than in a group, and I think it really shows. . .

I have days where I feel like I'm not cut out for this, and today was by far one of them.

That feeling of elation I had yesterday is completely gone. I felt so good, like I was doing everything that I could.

I felt really beaten down today by some of my classmates. I don't think they realized it, but one person in particular really affected me. They didn't mean to, at least I don't think they did. They're pretty insecure about themselves, and they say things that are hurtful, I guess more like very blunt- but the things this person says do hurt me at times. Although I also like this person a lot, and I enjoy being their friend most of the time. I don't know. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Now I might, probably won't get the internship in Philadelphia. I don't know if I'm getting an internship at all next semester. I should have been more active about it, but my fear of driving and distance kept me from applying to most places. Then there was the feeling of stepping on my classmates toes. I didn't apply to certain places because I didn't want there to be any awkward feelings. Honestly, I think a lot of it is that I'm afraid to be at a practicum site. I'm excited but I'm so afraid of failing. Maybe I should just push my first site to next semester and deal with it. It really isn't the end of the world, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing myself. Why can't I be a "winner". Why can't this stuff come easily? Why aren't I more assertive in getting the things that I want. I feel like I'm so afraid that I don't even try. Even right now, I'm considering just giving up. I'm so frustrated.

I've been feeling a little bout of homesickness ever since Vince visited this weekend. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm proud of what I'm achieving but I know that I need to talk to someone. I need to work through this anxiety. Maybe I should just go home. Maybe I should work through my own problems before trying to become a therapist. Why didn't I even consider that as an option.

I think that my mind frame, usually, is to just "get through it", whatever "it" is. Just do it. Make a commitment, follow it through, no matter what it does to you.

We were talking about the difference between the graduation robes for your bachelors degree, and the robes for your masters degree- and I got so excited for myself. I want to graduate with a masters degree. It felt so good just to think about it. I know I can do this, but I have to stop being afraid of everything. I feel like I'm melting right now, but I know that its crunch time and things are just getting tough. Its a challenge. I need to listen to my own advice- approach the challenges with a positive attitude- you WILL get through this. Just like you've gotten through everything else. I need to think about all the times I was frustrated, or felt like a failure, or like I should just give up, or that I couldn't do something . . . but I did. The last semester of my senior year of college was so full of expectations and pressure. And I didn't believe I could do it. But not only did I do it, I did it well. And I'm so proud of myself for that. I need to keep pushing myself and believing that I can do this. I'm coming home with that degree.

And tomorrow, I'm going to contact another possible practicum site. I can't give up on this. Even if I don't get a placement for next semester, I *might* be able to set up a couple sites for the summer. Then I could spend a majority of the summer at home in philly. That would be wonderful. There's always hope. I could do 2 practicums over the summer, then one in the fall, and another in the spring while I balance out my classes. Maybe next semester I could start thesis and take that class on addictions. I won't have another chance to take the addictions class because that's the only semester they offer it while I'm here. This could work well either way I look at it. Plus it'll give me time to get more comfortable driving, and then I'll be ready for a practicum almost anywhere. I shouldn't push myself into driving on the highway right away. I'd rather have my life then a practicum site.

I'm thinking to myself now, so I'm sorry if you're still reading. No revelations tonight, just the thoughts and hopes of a strange, anxious girl trying to do right. Goodnight.

My life is like a

2011-11-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

strange goodie bag full of random candies. Some of the candy is good, I like it once in a while. Some of the candy is my absolute favorite, I never ever get sick of it. Some of the candy I *think* I like, but when I bite into it, it's gross. Then a few pieces of that candy I hate winds up in the bag somehow. I usually figure out a way to throw that stuff out or give it to people who actually like it.

Lately, that bag of candy has been full of the good stuff, the great stuff, and only a few pieces of the gross stuff. I love life right now, just learning to take the good with the bad. I feel unstoppable tonight, I just wish Vince was hear to witness me lipsynching to corny 80's music (think Olivia Newton John and Belinda Carlisle)

I feel so much energy and I'm getting a pretty decent amount of work done too!I just have to make it through 5 more weeks, and then its christmas break. I seriously can't wait!

Bee Tee Dubs

2011-11-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

i DID get my license! I can't believe it! It feels so unreal, I can legally drive. . .

So of course I did what any 22 year old would do after getting their license, I took a joy ride. . . and by joy ride, I mean my instructor drove me home and I enrolled in an online driver's ed course. . . cause I'm wild like that. :P

I'm just trying to figure out the next step- getting a car and insurance. My mind is clearly always on "what's next" instead of what just happened. I am proud of myself though. Last summer, I was too scared to drive on the street. I would break out in a sweat just thinking about it. Now, I can legally drive. I'm still nervous, but I feel like I'm getting calmer about it. Once I'm back in Philly for winter break, I'm going to get A LOT of practice in and hopefully buy a car while I'm there!

Eventful weekend

2011-11-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

I got my license on friday, went downtown with Vince to hang out for a bit, volunteered to make art with senior citizens, went out to the galleries for First Friday, yesterday I caught up with Vince, cuddled A LOT, watched more episodes of the office, made homemade chicken noodle soup, enrolled in an online drivers ed course and started it, watched Father of the Bride, My Best Friend's Wedding, and . . . Scarface. lol

Vince left at 2:51. He left me with Garden State, a pair of socks, a pen that I got while I was Italy with The David on it, a bunch of homemade peanut butter crackers, possibly a head cold, and a little heartache- because every time he visits, I miss him so much when he leaves again.

Did some homework. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm only an Introduction/Conclusion/Abstract, and 5 more pages of research away from a completed literature review. Need to get this one done, so I can get started on the NEXT one. Yay for grad school!

2011-11-02T03:48:00.001-07:00

http://vitality.yahoo.com/video-second-act-the-rucker-family-27126573

Registration

2011-10-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

Just registered for the Spring Semester:

Art Based Research and Assessment
Group Process in Art Therapy
Research Methodology
Practicum Supervision in Art Therapy- or as a backup- Art Therapy in the treatment of Addictions (if I can't get a practicum for this spring)

This semester is over in 6 weeks. I heard through the grape vine that the spring semester goes by even faster- I'm finding that hard to believe because this semester has flown by. How is my first semester of grad school almost over? 4 more semesters to go until graduation. Spring, Summer, Fall, and Spring. Scary.

(btw- this is my 666 post lol)

?

2011-10-31T03:56:00.000-07:00

is it just me, or does it look like elvis is missing a foot?!

there is

2011-10-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

There is no better or worse

There just is what there is. It is what it is.

If I keep comparing myself, I'm playing a losing game. I'm tired.

I'm satisfied with where I'm headed. I'm making an effort. I'm being brave. And I'm loving as much as I can. I want to understand life, people, the world . . . another losing game?

Maybe. But its what keeps me going. This is one game I'm going to keep playing.

what is wrong with me?

2011-10-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

I just cried in front of my driving instructor
I feel like such an ass.

The first half hour of the lesson, I was doing a "phenomenal job". His exact words. And I felt it- I was doing great. I felt confident, put together. I felt SO good, like I was ready to get my license and start driving. We went through the driving test course a few times and I did well. I kept an eye on my speed. I was fairly decent with my breaking, and doing pretty good with my turns too. The only issue was that I was getting close to the parked cars on my right- I know that I need to work on keeping the car farther away from them or I'm going to fuck up my car, and theirs.

We stopped the car, and I pulled into a parking lot- we went over the controls for the car. Later my instructor told me that he could see me getting nervous. I guess I felt the pressure to already know the controls, or to remember the controls exactly so I could identify them for the test. After that, we practiced parallel parking again and I did great. I'm so confident with that.

Then we practiced the driving course again, this time going the other way- I've never gone that way before. I'm so used to the driving course that when we drove it in the opposite order, I started getting confused. I ran through 2 stop signs. I think I was more concerned with where I was turning next, and watching for the big trucks that drive through there that I started losing my concentration- and was risking my own safety. This is what horrifies me about driving. I don't completely trust myself. I don't trust my judgment. I feel like I always need someone to TELL me what to do, and when my expectations or routine is set off- I lose it. My concentration is just shot and I'm filled with anxiety. I can't drive like that without risking killing myself.

My instructor was concerned, and he wanted to know what "happened". I felt so embarrassed and disappointed in myself, I didn't know what to say. In the end, I told him that I felt anxious because I just wanted to do the right thing, I didn't want to mess up. And in being anxious about doing what was right- I kept doing what was wrong. I feel like I'm fighting myself. I'm so tired of fighting with myself.

It looks so easy for everyone else. Why can't I just "get it", whens it going to click with me?
I feel like such a failure. I feel like I should have this down by now. I can't believe I ran 2 stop signs. I hate the ways I keep getting confused. I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I'm sick or something. I feel like I can't focus like everyone else can. I just feel so fucked up today. How am I ever going to achieve anything if I can't get anywhere? How am I going to get a job, an internship? Am I destined to be just like my mom and aunts, who never learned to drive? I don't want to be asking for rides when I'm 40. I want to just depend on myself.

My chest hurts from crying and I'm making myself sick.

I just need to remind myself of what my instructor said- when I start feeling anxious, I have to breathe. If I need to pull over, then pull over- whatever I have to do to collect myself so I can drive safely.
My instructor feels like I'm not taking enough risks when we have lessons. I'm so tense. I keep telling myself that my caution will keep me safe, but its doing the opposite of that. Its blinding me to what is doing on and actually putting me in more danger. I know this, but how to I change it?? I don't know what to do, or how to change. I just keep telling myself that the more I practice, the more comfortable I'll be and the better I'll get at driving.
I've come so far from the summer. 3 months ago was my first time driving on the road. I know that I've come along way. I'm not as nervous on familiar streets anymore. I've driven on the highway twice- yes, I was pretty scared and not very good at merging but with time I know I'll get better. I need to keep pushing, keep trying. I'm not going to give up on this. It WILL get better.

I'm growing right now, and growth is never comfortable. Sometimes, like today, its even painful. But I'm still alive, and my instructor hasn't given up on me, so neither should I. He told me that I will learn how to drive because I'm smart. I know it too.

Things I still need to practice when driving:
Merging onto the highway
Staying a safe distance from parked cars
Staying within the speed limit, and getting a sense of what it "feels" like to drive at certain speeds
Understanding what to do at different intersections
Braking smoother- and not hesitating as much
Judging distances - when turning, breaking, etc etc
Smoother turns
Straightening out the wheel/car quicker

Fingers crossed

2011-10-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Might . . . *might* have found a placement for an internship . . . in philadelphia. . . for this spring. . .

Also, found out that I could arrange my schedule so that I only have classes on Mondays and Tuesdays next semester. . . my hopes are sky high and I'm trying not to be so hopeful because I don't want to be crushed if/when it falls through. Cross your fingers for me. I want to finally intern, even better if its home. "Please please please, let me get what I waaaaaaant" :P

Espresso

2011-10-11T04:20:00.000-07:00

Super excited to go here today :3
http://northernlightespresso.com/

I've always wanted to have a study group at an espresso bar. I know, I'm a dork :)

I'm continually surprised by how much I actually love this town. Vince mentioned transferring to the courthouse here if he could, I think its growing on him too. Downtown is beautiful, I'm happy I'm finally exploring it a bit more. . .

"My Pizza, My Life"

2011-10-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.phlmetropolis.com/2011/10/my-pizza-my-life.php

This is beautifully written, and I don't think I've ever thought about a pizza shop as someone's haven, their "home" away from home.

It reminds me of the art studio at Holy Family

Woke up again last night

2011-10-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

to that thought:

"I am going to die someday."

It doesn't seem real that it would happen. Its hard to think about. As Vince put it when I told him, that's "existential angst".

Death just seems like an urban legend. It couldn't possibly be true.
I was so sulky late last night. My psychology magazines are still delivered to my mom's house because I never changed the address, so I get the magazines weeks after they're delivered. 2 magazine issues were about September 11th. Its always upsetting to hear about it, but ever since the 10th anniversary, I'm literally filled with dread when I hear about it. I'm haunted by it. Why did it take this long for it to affect me? I don't understand.

I feel better today. I have hope again. Life doesn't seem pointless. I'm babysitting my sister, spending time just the 2 of us. She's a light in my life. She gives me hope.

The way I feel

2011-09-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

when I listen to MJ its like magic, I feel like a kid again. I get a slice of my childhood back- the good parts of my childhood. I feel so grateful that something like that exists for me in the world. I feel incredibly lucky.

I could be having the WORST day (not that today was bad) and hearing his music just makes me love life again.It always has, and it always will.

I still

2011-09-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

miss you Colleen.

Gone way too soon. I don't know why you're in my mind so much tonight. Sometimes I think about the beginning of college, and of that time in my life, and getting to hang out with you. . . and I SWEAR I think to myself "I wonder how Colleen is doing? I wonder what she's doing now?" And then it hits me all over again.

You're gone. And I don't think I ever really found a way to completely accept that. When I heard the news, I couldn't wrap my head around it. Not to sound cold, but we weren't really that close. We could have been. I believe that with all my heart. We never got to have a real one on one conversation. We never hung out just the 2 of us. We went on double dates over a handful of times, and hung out at the same parties. We had drunken conversations and laughs. Good times, almost all good times. Whenever you couldn't make it to a party, I was so sad. And I would always hear from Dan whenever I wasn't at a party, and you were- how much you missed me too.

I never friended you on facebook. But from time to time I look up your profile, and its nice to see that your close friends still remember you too. That you're in their minds and that you're loved and missed. Would I still think about you if you hadn't died? I don't know. Maybe we would have just forgotten about each other. Became distant. It was already pretty much happening when you passed away. When Dan and I broke up, I remember you still asking about me coming around. I avoided your calls and texts. I didn't want to be around anyone from the old group. I regret that now. How was I to know that those were my last chances to see you.

Rest in peace Colleen. I miss you.

Lonesome

2011-09-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

Lonesome tonight . . . Vince is missing me too though so it sort of helps that we're both going through this together.

I can't wait to be in his arms next weekend :)

I was feeling sort of lazy today, I didn't really feel like doing my readings for class. The day went by SO fast, too fast. . . and I feel like I didn't get as much done as I should have. And instead of doing more right NOW. . . I'm blogging.

I'm trying to focus but I think I'm still processing everything, the move, missing everyone, the new expectations and assignments and pressures. The looming reality of getting my license, growing up, and starting my first practicum.

Everything is changing and time is going by so fast.

On the up side- last night was a lot of fun. I feel like I'm really connecting with everyone here, and whereas before, I had to keep convincing myself to stay here, now I feel like if I left- I'd miss everyone.

I'm very happy with the people I've met, and I really feel like I can do this now. I'm growing some roots here and that feeling of being in limbo is fading away.

So can athiests be cured of Alcoholism?

2011-09-25T12:22:00.001-07:00

http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf

If I'm an alcoholic, I need to find God to be healed?
I need a "spiritual awakening"?

2011-09-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Love the boy who holds the world in a paper cup, drink it up,
Love him and he'll bring you luck.
And if you find he helps your mind, better take him home,
Don't you live alone, try to earn what lovers own."

All of a sudden

2011-09-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have the burning desire to create art with my husband (and I don't mean making babies).

I want to come up with ideas with him, I want to collaborate.

He's always coming up with ideas that really inspire me but life gets in the way and we never expand upon those ideas. It would be a lot of fun to share my world with him, and in the process, he could share his world with me.

We always talk about what the other is doing with their time, but I want to literally DO those things together. It just hit me, how happy that would really make me.

I can't wait to talk to him about it.

http://fnewsmagazine.com/2009/12/in-memoriam-jeanne-claude/

Not that I want us to be the next Christo and Jeanne-Claude, but I really think it would be fun lol

I WILL get that license!

2011-09-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

I had another driving lesson today. I was a little jittery as usual, when I got in the car I forgot to adjust my mirrors and noticed it while I was driving.
I think making a mistake like that will remind me never to forget to check my mirrors again.

I'm also learning how to control the car on winding roads- its definitely a little tricky for me, but I'm improving.

My instructor taught me how to park in parking lots today. It was a LOT easier than I thought. Leave it to me to learn things totally backwards from the norm- I learned parallel parking first and thought it was easy. I learned to park in a parking lot today, and was more intimidated by that. I got it down though and I'm feeling confident about it.

I want to keep remembering the positive things my instructor said about me today.

He didn't want me to schedule another lesson for next week because he said that I don't need it. I'm going to have another lesson with him in a couple weeks, before I take my test. I'm feeling ready!

I just need to remember to stay on my side of the road (sometimes i turn too wide, but i'm getting better at NOT doing that. . . ), keep an eye on my speed- drive SLOWER on back roads, and keep a better eye out for signs. There's so much to get used to and take into account when you're driving but I feel like I'm starting to get acclimated to it and understand it. I'm developing the part of my brain that processes all this fun stuff.

Soon, I'm going to have that license, and I'm going to be able to get myself around. It's going to feel so great to be able to do that. I'm still a bit nervous but I'm feeling positive about it and I'm excited.

Feeling Down tonight

2011-09-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

The only real conversation I had today was with Vince, and I definitely lost it mid way into the conversation.

No offense, but its not even that I miss anyone right now- I just feel lonely. I was inside all day and didn't talk to anyone at all until after 9 pm. I'm just not used to days like this, and its so difficult to get through.

I keep watching tv to distract me from the fact that I'm alone up here. I wish I drove, then maybe I wouldn't feel so isolated from everyone and everything.

I just want a good face to face conversation and a hug right now.

I'm looking forward to class tomorrow. I always feel SO good after my wednesday classes. My teacher is amazing, and I really feel good being around the people in my class. I'm trying so hard to get over this loneliness. To just be okay being on my own. It's empowering at times, but today its just depressing.

Who am I without my family? I've seen myself in that context for so long now.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow night, we're all getting mexican food for one of my classmate's birthday. Then this weekend, we're all hanging out again- drinking wine and playing board games. I feel so special to be included. I just got invited to my first halloween party of the season, and there's a costume party next thursday night that I think I'm going to. . .I'm trying to stay social, and continue meeting and getting to know people. But I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be surrounded by people ALL the time. And its no cause for a breakdown. I am a bit concerned that I'm not getting as much work done for school as I should be. I'm not behind yet, but I feel like I'm not as on top of my future assignments as I could be. I need to get a grip on the way I'm feeling and move onto being more productive.

Being lonely

2011-09-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

Being lonely is normal.

Its a normal feeling. And being alone isn't necessarily wrong.

I'm strong and resilient. I can feel myself getting stronger and more independent with each day that goes by. Growth isn't comfortable. Growth isn't easy. It takes hard work and dedication to improve. And I'm going to branch out- inch by inch, everyday until I've reached my dreams. It's a slow process. It's a painful process at times. It's also very rewarding.

I'm very proud of myself. I'm going to stick with this.

Saying goodbye to you was painful today. I wished that the bus didn't show up or the taxi came late and that you'd have to stay another day :P
But I only teared up a little bit. The bitter pangs of loneliness are with me now, but its okay.
I'm going to keep working on what I'm supposed to do HERE and NOW. I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it well. I'm coming home with that degree. When I permanently move back to Philly, I'm going to have a masters degree, a job, and not only that- I'm going to drive myself home . . . to my own apartment to be with my husband. It's going to feel wonderful. It's everything I'm working for, and in less than 2 years, it's all going to finally fall into place. I'm making this a promise to myself.

I don't have to push myself

2011-09-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

I had another driving lesson today. Parts of it (the highway) were a bit rocky (metaphorically speaking).

I was definitely nervous, but that's to be expected the first time really driving on the highway. I always prepare to be so confident and for things to go without a hitch, and when they don't, I'm just embarrassed and ashamed.

My instructor was mostly happy with my driving though. He said that after the highway, I really improved on the regular streets. He was happy with my turns (most of them). He's confident that I'll pass the test.

I'm confident that I'll pass too. But I keep telling myself- "I need my license NOW, I need it SOON, I hate the bus and I want to drive, I'm scared to drive, what if I forget what I'm doing? Or get into an accident? What if its a bad accident? I'm afraid to drive alone without anyone to guide me. What if I freeze up? What if I screw up? What then?"
I'm very hard on myself and I lack a lot of confidence in my abilities. I want to change that. I'm trying to take a hard look at the way I think about myself, about others, and about my abilities. What is my approach to life and how can I improve it so that I live a more fulfilling, happier life? I want to be a good example to my family and friends. I want to be someone that others can rely on.

I don't have to push myself so hard though. If I keep trying, I WILL get there. . . in my own time. When I'm meant to. I feel so good saying that. It's so empowering. I Don't Have to Push Myself.

And you don't have to either. Be proud of what you've already done and how far you've come. We all have a long way to go, and a lot of growing and learning to do. We ALL do. It's not just you, I promise. You don't have to push yourself. Be passionate and take it all step by step. One day at a time. You'll get there.

Dependent

2011-09-13T04:57:00.000-07:00

I need my license, and I want to be confident driving. I feel pretty good when I'm on the road, but I'm nervous that when I'm by myself I'll freeze and I won't know what to do. I've never driven alone. What if I get confused on the road, about the rules - I feel like I'm making it more complicated than it actually is but I'm still a bit freaked out when I think about it.

At the same time, it'll feel great to get myself where I need to go on my own. To not have to leave for class 2 hours early when I could take my time and leave for class 20 minutes early. To not have to constantly check bus schedules and lose 20-30 minutes of my time waiting for buses to show up. I want to be able to drive myself home from Scranton. I want to be able to go to actual stores around here without thinking "do I feel like lugging this stuff home on the bus?". It's such a pain. I want that freedom. I don't want to constantly shell out money for the car and gas, but its sort of a bittersweet compromise. It means a lot to me to be able to drive. Hopefully, my driving lesson goes well on Thursday and it continues to boost my confidence. Hopefully, I pass my driving test at the end of this month. Hopefully, I can find a decent car in my price range by October. And HOPEFULLY, I'll be okay driving myself back to school in that new car for the first time.

I hate the way I worry about things, and the way I doubt my abilities- but in my defense, the only thing I can say is that despite my fears and uncertainty, at least I always try. That's the best I can do. And I'm going to keep trying until driving is second nature and I'm reading this blog someday and laughing.

Never in my life

2011-09-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

have I watched SO much September 11th coverage. Not since everything happened 10 years ago. Back then, it wasn't my choice, my family was watching the news non-stop. I never really processed what happened. I was 12, and I thought it was scary and sad, but I never really stopped to think about HOW it happened and what the people in the towers went through. I've been watching the news all day, and I feel like for the first time, I really do understand what happened.

Maybe it's because it's the 10 year anniversary, maybe it's because I'm old enough to really comprehend the horrors of what happened, maybe its my familiarity with New York- I can't imagine something like this happening on those busy New York streets. It's almost like a dramatic action movie with crazy special effects. So hard to grasp that it really did happen, but it did happen.

10 Years Later

2011-09-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

http://iconicphotos.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/unmentionable-odour-of-death-offends-that-september-night/

I was a child on September 11th, 2001. I never saw the photos in this blog until tonight. I saw very few pictures of people jumping to their deaths. I saw the same photos of the towers burning and collapsing over and over again, saw the stories of survivors, and the stories from families and friends who had lost people in the attacks- but I never really saw images of the victims from that day. I never thought about firefighters running up the steps of the towers while people were being evacuated. Running up those steps to save people, fighting against time, and the pressure of collapsing steel. I can't believe that it's already been a decade since 9/11.

I remember being sad and being scared when I saw the attacks on tv. I remember the emotions of the adults around me and my world being shaken when I realized that they felt just as scared and lost and out of control as I did. I remember being afraid of low flying planes, or even just the sound of a plane flying over my school. I remember the drills to the cafeteria in case of another attack. I remember the realization that the drills were just to round us up for a body count, not for our safety or survival because if there was an attack near us it probably wouldn't be possible.

But as a woman, an adult- I see the attacks in a different light.

I look at the pictures of those people jumping from the windows, and I think of my friends who graduated from college and are joining the work force. I wonder how many of the victims were fresh out of college, starting out their lives. I think of my husband, leaving for work at 6:30 in the morning, giving me a sleepy kiss goodbye, and going off to another day at work.

September 11th was just another morning for those people. They didn't realize they'd be under attack, that they would be forced to jump out of windows or burn to death or be crushed, that it was the last time they'd ever see their loved ones. It makes you want to never take your life for granted. To make a point of appreciating the little things that make up your everyday life. To hug tighter, kiss longer, smile more often, and breathe deeper. I didn't lose anyone important to me that day, but my heart goes out to those who lost their husbands and wives, and children, and mothers, and fathers, brothers, and sisters, and best friends. . . I hope that the last 10 years have been kind to you, and that you have found your own ways to be a testament to those who were lost.

Edit

2011-09-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

I edited the ever loving shit out of those pictures.

I thought if you saw the potential, you'd feel better about yourself.

Instead you got super cocky about it.

ANYONE can be attractive when you do the makeup, lighting, posing, and large quantities of editing (thinning out body parts/face, gelling out skin imperfections, even making features like your eyes larger, teeth whiter, etc etc etc).

What I Wouldn't Do

2011-09-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/zrJA5eDhh9I

If I had you babe, if I had you. . .

:)

Sick

2011-09-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

one more thing- going home made me 10 times worse than before.

I lost my cool and started making tons of plans to come back home. If it weren't for Vince talking me down and helping me think straight again, I don't know what I would have done.
It was SO stressful. I wanted to see everyone, and everyone wanted time with me- but I didn't have that much time to give. I had a lot less time than I realized. Then I felt this overwhelming guilt and a lot of pressure. I couldn't take it and I regretted coming home. Seeing my family made me realize how much I miss them, especially the kids. They've both gotten so big after only 2 weeks! I feel like I'm missing so much. It's so hard to be here right now, but I promised myself that I would try. . .

I'm going to get through this semester. I promised myself at least that much.

Beautiful

2011-09-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen
is your face lighting up when you look at me. . .

I miss you again already- being with you feels SO right, being so far from you feels wrong. Your support means everything. You want me to do what I need to do to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be successful. You haven't made me feel guilty about leaving once, you've only offered lots of love and support. You're most of the reason that I'm staying. Without you in my life, I'd be running back home by now. Ironically, people thought that us getting married would make me less likely to go through with this. Instead, it greatly increased the odds that I would go. You give me the strength to challenge myself, and I am so lucky to have you in my life.

Its the Kind of Love

2011-09-02T05:38:00.001-07:00

http://sapphireray.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-kind-of-love.html

Invitation

2011-09-02T04:56:00.000-07:00

I was going to come home early, I was going to leave this afternoon.

Then yesterday, before booking my bus ticket, a girl from my class invited me and some other people from our class to come out tonight.
The choice wasn't hard. I miss everyone at home, but I have to build a life out here too.

I was sort of bent out of shape after I couldn't make it out last Saturday night. I felt like such a loser, like I'd never make any friends out here.
I can't get over how nice this girl is, she offered to give a ride there AND to take me to my Saturday class tomorrow, since we have it together. I wonder if we'll be good friends. I'm so eager to make one solid connection out here. Just one friend.

Its so silly because I feel like I've been out here much longer than I actually have. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet. It feels like at least a month. I'm doing wonderful for only being here for 12 days.

(Vince just called me before he started work, It so nice to talk to him in the morning, its been a while since we've done that lol)

Back on topic- I still have fears that going back to Philly this weekend will make me feel worse when I come back to Scranton again. I hope it doesn't intensify the homesick feelings. Hearing Vince's voice just now made me smile, but it didn't leave a "pang" in my heart. I miss him but I know that we're both doing well. I can't wait to see him and hold him but I'm not in tears right now because I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. We're doing just fine. I think that's the most comforting thing of all.

I'm excited for my first First Friday in Scranton tonight. I just hope I'm not awkward with people and that I have a great time. Wish me luck!

Still

2011-09-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

I still remember sitting on the floor, smaller than i am now.

I remember Doug was on tv, and it wasn't a re-run. You and Mom-mom were sitting in your chairs, placed parallel to each other, separated by the fire place.

I sat with my back again the leg of your chair, resting my head near your knee. I was tired, but I had no desire to go to bed. I felt so safe, so comfortable, my only worry was the weight of my eyelids fighting with me as I tried to finish watching my cartoons.

You must have been snoring, because I looked up at you all of a sudden. Your face, from my point of view on the floor, was just a mass of wrinkles, and I remember being a little startled as I tried to find your face in the wrinkles. When you were awake, you never looked that old.
Something must have woken you up- thinking back, I'm pretty sure it was your own snoring that woke you up lol

Somehow, we wound up talking. In this episode of Doug, Doug says something about how he's just an average guy, an average student, etc. I thought that average was a good thing. I guess it was because I liked the character Doug, so anything he identified with must be good. I made some comment to you about how I was average. You sat me on your knee and assured me that I was anything but average. I remember feeling a little shy, like I'd said the wrong thing and I was embarrassed. I didn't quite believe you but I silently nodded anyway. The one thing I never doubted that you loved me.

You were always supporting me. You were so enthusiastic about all of the important things about me.
You lit up my life.

I'd give anything to just be a kid again, living at your house for the summer, the smell of your cologne and mom-mom's shampoo permeating the house- mixing into that clean, comforting scent- home.

A piece of me died along with you, and for 2 years I've been trying so hard to find it and revive it. When you died, I realized for the first time that my childhood was far behind me and that no matter how hard I wished, I could never go back there.

Extracurricular

2011-08-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

The meeting was okay, I just feel so awkward.

A lot of people at the meeting mentioned that they never really had the chance to get involved in the club, but they were all either graduate students in their second year, or the previous semester, or undergrads in their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th year. After the meeting was over, I realized that I was the only completely new person there. Part of me was proud that I showed up. The other part of me felt lonely again.
Everyone knew everyone else, and none of the new grad students from my class made an appearance like I'd hoped. This one girl, a 3rd year grad student, was really nice. I think she noticed me awkwardly sitting alone eating my salad by myself lol
At least she was nice enough to introduce herself. Eventually I sort of wound up in a conversation with her and this other girl from my classes who is a first year, 2nd semester grad student. I mostly listened and rarely talked. But at least I felt a little bit like my old self- like I belong to something again.

I still can't help but miss the art association at my undergrad. I can't help but miss everyone (almost) in my department. We had such a great group. I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about my peers here? Hopefully I'll read back over this blog in a few months, or a year, or maybe even after I've graduated and smile because all of the faces of my friends from this school and all the fun memories will be popping into my head. I really have no clue what comes next.

I'm sitting in the living room watching Ghost Whisperer and I'm hungry again. I don't feel like cooking dinner but I probably should. I should also finish my studio project sometime tonight . . .

Swinging

2011-08-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

mood swings abound!

One minute I feel amazing, cheerful, just all over great. The next minute, I'm so anxious, sad, lonely, crying.

I keep thinking of Philly. I think of Northeast Philadelphia, and walking down the streets of my neighborhood. Of being able to walk to the park, or to a restaurant, or to a bus that will take me downtown. Then I think of almost getting jumped at night, or people selling random things (like socks or dvds) on the el, or the news stories of shootings. Then I don't miss it so much.

I guess the hardest is part is not wanting to stay and not wanting to leave.

Yesterday it was like I had a guardian angel who was looking out for me. After a dry spell of a social life, it seemed like everyone was coming out of the woodwork. My facebook was blowing up, people I haven't talked to for a while were getting in touch with me, I had 4 phone conversations, and met one of my housemates friends who was pretty social. I felt like I was home again. Like my friends were close by. Like I wasn't as far away as I am.

I should be greatful. I know that I'm not home, but its not like I'm across the country. I'm lucky enough to be able to come home for holidays, like I am this weekend.
I keep trying to push the thought out of my head that I won't be home for very long, only 2 full days and that its going to fly by and before I know it I'll be back on a bus headed for Scranton again. . .
Will it be enough to tide me over? Will it make me feel worse when I come back? I don't know. After this upcoming weekend, I won't be home again until fall break. . . in October. That's 5 weeks in between breaks. When I write it that way, it doesn't sound TOO bad. Just a month and week. Then an entire week home. . . Maybe by then, I'll be missing Scranton while I'm home.

I AM strong enough to do this. I know that I am. It's just difficult right now. I have a meeting for the art therapy club on campus today, I don't even want to leave the house. I'm forcing myself to go. I have to get out. I have to meet people. I'm not going to feel better sitting alone in this room all day long. . .

I'm going to the counseling center to make an appointment to talk to someone. Part of me thinks I'm finally doing this just so I can connect to someone face to face again. But the main reason is that the anxiety is irritating. I don't let it cripple me but its still hard to work through, and I need to find more efficient ways to cope with it. They suggest we see a therapist in my program anyway, just because if you're going to practice something, you should at least know what its like to go through it yourself. I've never seen a therapist, or really talked to a counselor, so this will be a good experience for me. I might feel better about some things

I know that living on my own is a milestone. Something that everyone should probably do at least once in their life. Then again, I know a lot of people that live with their families until they get married or start seriously dating someone- then they move out with their significant other. This whole process would have been easier if I had Vince with me. But I can't take him away from everything, he has no desire to live here, and I couldn't stay in Philly for graduate school. So this is the hard choice that has to be made for right now.

I honestly think that this going to be one of the hardest points of my life, but also one of the biggest growing points of my life too. I always wanted to be independent. To not have to rely on anyone else to take care of me. I've been calling the shots for myself since I've been out here. I get where I need to go, do what I need to do, by myself. And that is something that I can be proud of.

It seemed that at home, even if I wanted independence, a lot of people in my life treated me as if I was still a child. And out of a desire to feel more carefree, I took advantage of their offers because it made life simpler. I won't lie, I miss it. But it never really settled easily with me. I always felt ashamed, and silly, and childish.

I hope that my newfound independence is something that I'll keep with me when I'm home again.
I can't wait until I'm finally comfortable driving myself to places, I feel like that will bring me a whole new freedom. The freedom to not have to beg for rides, or even depend on a bus schedule anymore. To not have to swallow my pride when I'm waving down my morning shuttle bus so I can get onto it and not be late for class. I feel stupid that 16 year olds are easily doing something that I am struggling with at 22.

I'm through with this- in a month I take my driving test. I know that I'm going to be intimidated at first, but after driving around for a few months, I bet that the fears will start to subside and I'll be comfortable and confident in my abilities to drive.
I know I'm jumping all over the place, but I've noticed that in my mornings off- I'm the loneliest. I miss having someone awake with me to talk to. So I'm talking through the blog about everything that's on my mind. Bear with me, it's going to be a very long semester.

Adult

2011-08-28T17:48:00.001-07:00

Art

2011-08-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

makes my life worth living.

Its always there to give me some company or bring me some solace when things get tough.

It can give you the courage to live.

I feel like I'm on some sort of intense Art therapy retreat where I'm being immersed in the field, and I'm going to change into someone else over the next 18 months. . . I wonder who that person will be.

I was supposed to go out tonight, but I didn't. If I drove, I would have. It kills me to miss an opportunity like this, but I can't afford to pay for the taxi and then anything I'd want at the bar.
I WILL get my license SOON. The thought of driving is something that I'm starting to wrap my head around. I'm coming to terms with it. I CAN drive, I just need to calm down about it and believe that I can do it. The instructor on tuesday said I can drive, but that I need confidence. I'm trying really hard to build up my confidence, I really am.

My stomach hurts, and I think I want to go to counseling on Monday. I'm going to at least make an appointment. I need to try harder than I've been trying. I feel like I need to try harder in nearly every aspect of my life. I need to believe in my own ability.

Be where you are.

2011-08-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to, but my mind keeps going back to home.

It's so bizarre to miss filth-adelphia. I always talked about how I "had to get out of here", that I "couldn't live here my whole life".

It's more missing people than the actual place, but I do miss all my old haunts being within walking distance or a bus ride.

I love where I'm at, and if I had nothing else to lose or to love, this would be amazing. I don't know if I can be away from my family like this for 2 years, but I have to keep trying.
I remember when I was a kid, I would get these pains in my shins and my ankles. There was a name for it, something about growing. I'm average height, but in grade school I was a bit on the taller side compared to some of the other girls. Those growth spurts were uncomfortable. They put my 10 year old body out of commission, laying on the couch every now and then. But its like a distant memory now.

I remember learning to ride a bike when I was 11 or 12. I never wanted to learn when everyone else was learning at a younger age. I was scared to ride that bike at first. My stomach would twist up in knots and I was afraid of falling or getting hurt. But I was determined to ride that bike, and once I was comfortable, I loved it. I would ride my bike all the time, I practically lived on that bike.

Being away from everyone, feeling lonely, being unfamiliar with things, not having anyone to hug or kiss or hold hands with or cuddle is difficult. Now I'm trying to process the beginnings of my graduate work and learn how to drive (which I'm still nervous doing. . . those knots in my stomach are back when I think about it). I wish I was a kid again sometimes, most of the time.

I'm just waiting for the time when I'm out here and it doesn't feel strange, or scary. There are moments where it doesn't, when I can look in the mirror and think "I'm okay, I can do this". And I know that I can but I wish that I could have brought everyone that I love here with me.

Skool

2011-08-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my first day of graduate school.

Where has the time gone?!

I remember applying for college when graduate school seemed so hazy and far off, a distant dream- something that the "adult" version of me would embark on in "someday land" where I'm mature, confident, successful with no doubts, a car, and big paycheck... silly "someday land".

Now here I am, away from home for the first time. I feel really good right now, like I'm growing up and gaining a new found independence. Its going to help me to become who I'm supposed to be in the long run. I can rest easy knowing that I'm doing everything I can to live out my dreams.

My eyes are burning, and I'm finally sleepy. Big day tomorrow! Wish me luck :)

My Lovely

2011-08-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

"I'm feeling alone without you here in my arms.
I'm lost and alone without you here by side.

Here's a song for you lovely.
Remember that it is for you only, for you only.

My heart was caught in a landslide and now it feels for you only, for you only."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6MsY3uknFw

It's so strange to be here. I see my things in the room, in the process of being unpacked and I feel so torn. I MISS everyone so much already, I'm nervous about finding my way around a new city, about navigating a new school, everything. But then there are these points where it feels like home already. Its calmer out here. I heard an ambulance last night- but that fact that it stood out from the other noises was the interesting part about it lol- it wasn't just white noise to me, the way it would be in Philly.
My housemate is SO nice. We started talking and getting to know each other last night. I can be a bit of a loner sometimes, just staying in my room. She seems the same. But we both hung out in the living room last night while The Bounty Hunter was on tv, and just talked about our families a little bit and how we grew up. Sort of similar circumstances.
Danielle- she could be inducted into the "I hate my dad" club too lol
Meg- you'd love the dogs, they're so cute and funny. The one keeps establishing that she's "the boss" by grabbing the other dogs collar with her teeth and walking her around the house lol They're so playful and cuddly, and make me feel so welcomed.
Caitlin- you wouldn't believe how many interesting buildings there are to photograph here, you'd have so much fun out here with your camera

I feel sort of resistant to meeting new friends at Marywood. Part of me feels like I won't or that I'm too awkward to meet new people. Then I try to think back to a time when my closest friends were just strangers in a classroom, or just friends of other friends. I can't imagine a time when Vince, Danielle, Meg, Caitlin, Nick, Ian, Leo, Christina, and my other close friends were just strangers to me.

I hope I do make friends out here. I hope that they're like the friends I already have, people that I can't imagine not having in my life. I wish I could have moved everyone out here with me- it would feel more like an adventure and I wouldn't be so nervous. I'm giving myself to the end of October to feel settled and comfortable here. I think that's a reasonable amount of time.

Once I get to school I think I'll feel a bit more secure here. Pulling up roots and replanting them in new soil is always tricky I guess. Will I thrive, or will I wither?

ps- i'll be posting pictures of the new place soon :) almost unpacked!!

Woke up at 3:53 am

2011-08-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

Already feeling slightly homesick, and Vince is sleeping in bed next to me!

Makes me nervous for when I'll be out here completely alone.

I felt the urge to blog, but once I got on here I found 2 posts for delicious looking recipes.

Maybe I'll rekindle my love of baking while I'm out here?

Gelato al Bacio

Ingredients:

1 Egg
1 1/3 Cups Whole Milk
100 Grams of Dark Chocolate
¾ (generous) Cup of sugar
¾ Cups of ground hazelnuts
1 Tsp Vanilla Extract

Directions:
Beat egg, 1 cup of milk, and vanilla extract together in a large bowl.

Place sugar, chocolate, 1/3 cup of milk, ¼ cup of hazelnuts into a pot, and place over a low flame. Keep stirring until chocolate is fully melted and sugar is dissolved.

Pour melted chocolate mixture into milk/egg mixture, add remaining hazelnuts, and stir vigorously until fully blended together.

Pour into a bread pan, and let cool for a bit. Once it has reached room temperature, stick the whole thing in the fridge over night.

After a night in the fridge to freeze, it should be ready to serve

Thanks Free People Blog- once again!!

AND
Flourless Chocolate Cake with Green Tea (Matcha) Cream Cheese Icing
(adapted from Martha's Flourless Chocolate Cake, serves 8-10)
85g (6 tbsp) unsalted butter, plus more for greasing pan
225 (8 ounces) semi-sweet chocolate, finely chopped (I used 50% cocoa chocolate)
6 large eggs, separated
1/2 cup granulated or caster sugar

For the icing (feel free to double these amounts to get a nice thick layer of icing):
125g cream cheese (can use light cream cheese)
1 1/2 cups icing sugar, sifted
1 tsp matcha (green tea) powder

Preheat the oven to 135°C (275°F) degrees with the rack in the center. Butter the bottom and sides of a 20-22cm springform pan (I also lined the bottom with baking paper, so I could transfer the cake to a different base after baking).

Place butter and chocolate in a large heatproof bowl and microwave in 30-second increments, stirring each time, until completely melted. Let cool slightly. Whisk in egg yolks. In a large mixing bowl, beat egg whites until soft peaks form using an electric mixer with a whisk attachment. Gradually add sugar, and continue beating until glossy stiff peaks form. Whisk 1/4 of the egg whites into the chocolate mixture; then gently fold in remaining egg whites. Make sure there are no visible clumps of eggwhite remaining in the mixture. Pour batter into the prepared pan, and smooth the top with a rubber spatula. Bake until the cake pulls away from the sides of the pan and is set in the center, 45 to 50 minutes. Cool completely on a wire rack; remove sides of pan.

Prepare the cream cheese icing; remove cream cheese from fridge 30 mins before starting. Beat cream cheese and sifted icing sugar together with an electric mixer until smooth. Add matcha powder and beat until combined. You can adjust the amount of matcha to your own taste. Gently spread over the top of cooled cake using a spatula and serve at room temperature. Can be stored in an airtight container in the fridge for several days, but it will get eaten up a lot faster than that!

Thank you to Raspberri Cupcakes!!!! I can't wait to try this out xD

2011-08-11T04:47:00.000-07:00

We need to stop meeting like this, I hope you're okay. I hate that seeing me makes you feel uncomfortable. I wish you knew how much I wished that we could still be friends- but that seems impossible.

Maybe we could talk and clear the air. Its been 2 years and you still seem really hurt by everything that happened between us. . . I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I'm sorry.

Lol

2011-08-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

The internet documented the start of our relationship . . . Vince from Myspace! lmao

Let it Go

2011-08-03T05:08:00.001-07:00

This Too Shall Pass

Changing

2011-07-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

thanks to Free People for writing that blog at the PERFECT time.

Home

2011-07-23T08:30:00.001-07:00

You came home yesterday, covered in sweat, with flowers for me, and a huge smile plastered on your face.

It felt SO good to be held in your arms all night.

It was so nice talking all morning, and to be kissed awake again, to be running late for work because I didn't want to leave you, not because I slept in again.

Its nice to know that I'll be coming home to you tonight.
I hope that you continue feeling better, I love you so much!

one week

2011-07-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like there's a weight on my chest.

I know that you're okay, and that you love where you're at. That helps make it easier.

Its hard to come home and you're not there. It's hard having you SO out of reach. This is why I didn't want you to go there. Its nearly impossible for me to visit you without spending what I can't afford.

We haven't been away from each other this long since before we started dating. I was doing okay, and I still am, but I'm getting restless.

I know that soon I'll be in Scranton. We *might* get to see each other every weekend, and since I'll be driving, I could at least come home on one of my days off to see you. You'd be free to bus up to my school and spend the weekend. Right now, you're away and you can't leave and I don't drive yet, and can't afford to get there. Its even more difficult because your phone time is restricted. At least next month, if I need you, I know I can talk to you as long as I want to. At least we can cuddle up together without having to be watched on a hospital unit.

I miss having dinner with you. I miss cuddling up in bed with you.
It felt so natural, like breathing. Right now, I feel like I'm holding my breath.

I love you and miss you. I hope that they figure out what is right for you. I hope that you feel better. I hope that you can come home and stay, and start living out your dreams.
I'm trying to live out mine, but it's never the way you think it's going to be. In fantasy it always comes so easy. In the real world, there are always sacrafices.

Can't wait to hold you in my arms on Sunday.

Admitted

2011-07-15T04:26:00.000-07:00

I pictured you leaving for the hospital differently from the way it actually happened.

It feels empty here without you.

I teared up a couple times but I didn't cry, at least not yet.

I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating.
I have work today and I'm actually relieved that I do.

I miss you already, and your stay there is probably going to be 8 days or longer.

We only have a few short weeks until I move away, I didn't think we'd be living them separately.

I want you to get better, but I guess I'm just confused as to why now was the time to go into the hospital? You were a LOT worse before and seemed like you were only getting better.

A part of me is afraid that they'll drug you up while you're there, and that you'll be worse afterwards.

When you go to a doctor and get significantly worse, then go off your meds and improve significantly- it becomes hard for me to trust doctors and medication.

I feel so ignorant to it all. I don't know for sure whats right, or whats wrong with the situation.

I just want the real you to come back.

And I don't trust your doctor anymore. I'm not your secretary, nurse, or pharmacist- I'm your wife. He needs to get that straight.

Missed the Boat

2011-07-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

While we're on the subject

Could we change the subject now?

I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out

Looking towards the future

We were begging for the past

Well we knew we had the good things

But those never seemed to last

Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy

Everyone's ashamed

Well we all just got caught looking

At somebody else's page

Well nothing ever went

Quite exactly as we planned

Our ideas held no water

But we used them like a dam

Oh, and we carried it all so well

As if we got a new position

Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Saying yes, this is a fine promotion

Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy

Over such and such and such

We made ourselves a pillar

We just used it as a crutch

We were certainly uncertain

At least I'm pretty sure I am

Well we didn't need the water

But we just built that good God dam

Oh, and I know this of myself

I assume as much for other people

Oh, and I know this of myself

We've listened more to life's end gong

Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?

Was there all that much to gain?

Well we knew we missed the boat

And we'd already missed the plane

We didn't read the invite

We just dance at our wake

All our favorites were playing

So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands

A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks

Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them

When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well

As if we got a new position

Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves

But not the skills to make a shelf with

Oh, what useless tools ourselves

I love the idea of this :)

2011-06-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

http://blog.freepeople.com/2011/06/picture-in-picture/

2011-06-25T10:38:00.001-07:00

I'm still against this album because I do believe some of the tracks are not actually Michael. And I think that there are things about this album that Michael would have wanted to do differently *but* I love this girl and I seriously want to kidnap her!
She's amazing!!!!

Stupid move

2011-06-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

Reactivated facebook

Promptly deactived facebook

It literally made me nauseous.

Are everybody else's lives really as sunshiney happy and blissful as they seem online?

I can't relate to it anymore.
It feels so posed.

"Keep moving forward

2011-06-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

And do what you have to do, for you. "

Still love this advice :)

Withdrawl

2011-06-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

They cut you off the meds.

I couldn't be any more relieved. You're starting to come back.

Your sense of humor, your flirtatious comments, your insatiable desire to socialize, your smile. . .

I hope its not the first flickerings of mania.
Just kidding

I was to help you however I can. I know I've been touchy, moody, frustrated, angry, sarcastic, and short with you.
This isn't your fault. It's just that I feel SO overwhelmed at times and I don't know how to handle this.
I need to learn how to handle it better. I can't go on treating you, or myself like this.

I love you and you deserve the best me that I can give.
You're going through so much, and yet you're always the bigger person. Always the patient one. Always the comforting one. Holding me while I cry about you.

There are better times ahead. I'll appreciate those times more when I look back at what is going on in our lives right now. Your smile couldn't have looked any sweeter yesterday. I missed it so much.

Ifeellike

2011-06-22T11:26:00.001-07:00

Both of our brains are fried right now.

This is the worst summer i've ever lived through.

i think for the first time

2011-06-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Relationship-understand-help-partner/dp/1598699679/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308240178&sr=1-2

Its hitting me full force.
I miss you.

and I'm scared.

Looking back

2011-06-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

I still remember sitting on my grandparent's couch, missing you, but smiling whenever this commercial came on. I couldn't wait for you to come home to me. . . and you hadn't even asked me out yet- how presumptuous of me!

Pop-pop

2011-06-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

I dreamt about you again this morning.
It was actually a dream inside of dream . . . in the first dream, I needed your help and for some reason I was texting you and telling how much you mean to me, and that I love you. The entire time I was typing I was getting upset because I kept wondering why I didn't just call you and talk to you over the phone, at least that way I would hear your voice. Texting is so impersonal. As I finished typing the text message, I realized that I forgot you were dead. That you would never even get the text or read about how much I love you.
I woke up. . . into the second dream, where i sit up on the living room couch and I start sobbing because I'm so upset with myself for forgetting that you're dead. Its as if the realization has finally hit me that I'll never see you again, hug you, or hear your voice. In this dream I realize that I can't even remember your voice. The people around me are family, who obviously knew you, but are cold and unfeeling to my emotions.
Then I finally wake up for real- and I remember your voice. That calms me down.

I thought that time would make it easier . . . it does in a way, I'm able to cope. But it doesn't make me miss you any less.

I love you so much.

2011-06-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

I miss you

I hope you feel better soon. This is so hard- sometimes I blame myself, I wonder if I'm contributing to your depression or doing something to make it even worse.
Sometimes I wonder if you're tired of me already
Then I remember what you're going through and how hard it must be and how you must feel, and I realize that I can't even comprehend. The best I can do is love you and be patient, and hope that I'm there on those days when you have clarity, and when you can give me your love and attention. On the days when you're not anxious, or terrified.
I'll always be here, no matter how difficult it gets. I love you. If you're not happy, then I'm not happy either. That's just how it has to be.

at least you were good for something dad.

2011-06-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

I finally made Post Secret.
Consider this my father's day gift to you.
Thanks for always being there and being so supportive. . . oh, and thanks for trying to work things out with me when I decided that I was sick of being hurt and just wanted you out of my life

But really, I have to thank mom for giving me the gift of sarcasm. Thank you mom.

(so weird seeing my own postcard on my blog search xD )

2011-06-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

Why do I shut myself out every summer?

This is why I love school so much, it gives me a reason to get out of the house.

I'm feeling depressed and guilty when I'm alone.
Its hard to understand the way I feel. I would say that I'm in "transition" and that its the reason why I'm feeling all of these strong feelings- but it always feels like I'm transitioning into something new.

Will the strong feelings ever end or is this the way its supposed to be?

I started reading

2011-06-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

"Becoming a Therapist" by Suzanne Bender

Ever since, I feel like I've been psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions.

Its sort of helping me to understand the way I've been feeling and how to work through a lot of the problems that I've had lately, instead of pretending that they don't exist. Sooner or the later, the problems we push and hide from will come back to haunt us tenfold.

I need to be honest with myself and with others. Its the only way I can live the life I want to live.
I need to stay in tune with my own wants and needs and stop trying to be something I'm not in order to make everyone else happy.

Most Stylish Music Videos

2011-05-25T06:31:00.001-07:00

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/the-most-stylish-music-videos-of-all-time-video-2486994/

Bad is on the list x3

and so is Smells Like Teen Spirit.

gotta love it

A Quiet Mind

2011-05-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

Don't

2011-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

don't value money above everything else.

it can't buy you love, or friendship (the real kinds anyway)

Don't place a lot of value in material things either. When they're new and shiny, you get a rush from them. They make your life "better" in the short term. But a few months, maybe a year, after the fact, we've grown so used to them that we take that new laptop, or cell phone, or car for granted. Then it breaks down somehow and we break down with it because we can't seem to manage without it.

The things we own, own us.

I like shopping as much as the next girl. The only thing that makes me feel more beautiful than a new outfit is Vince telling me I'm beautiful.

I have every single right to buy nice clothing and take care of my self. But I've never given in to outright materialism. Buying something because "everyone" has it, or I'll be outdated looking if I don't own it. Or maybe I'm buying something that I can wave over other people's heads as a sign of superiority. I know A LOT of people in that last category. I'd rather spend my money on nights out with friends, with Vince, on drinks and good food that breed good conversations and lots of laughter. I'd rather spend it on creative pursuits. They're a lot more meaningful to me than expensive jewelry or designer purses.

When I buy clothing, I'm looking for 3 things:

Aethestics- I want to look good, of course.

Expression- I want my clothing to be an extension of what I'm like personally. A little clean cut, a little taylored, but always slightly dishevled too.

Comfort- I'm not going to run around in super high stillettos and extremely tight dresses. I want clothes I can break in, that have character. Stuff I can wear to class or to the park without really worrying about it.

Never do brand names enter my mind. I see something, I like it, if its too expensive- I look for it cheaper somewhere else. End of story.
I don't care about flash, or short lived superiority and glory.

People who do are really boring to me. They buy their selfworth over and over again, and then get critical of me when I don't feed into their materialistic bullshit.

You could be enjoying your life instead of sitting back convincing yourself that you're better than everyone else. What a waste of a short lifetime. We get about . . . 90ish years on earth if you're lucky, and you waste a majority of it being self centered, materialistic, vain, and when it all comes down to it, tragically boring. Get over yourself.

Thank you :)

2011-04-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

It was the complete opposite for me . . . you guys are the very best and I love you so much!
You were there for me more than most of my family. I hope that all of you are in my life forever, I really can't imagine a world without you.

Bridal Breakdown

2011-04-21T05:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and sobbed

Its funny how crying it out can make you feel better, or more in control, or gain some perspective.

I'm marrying the man I love in 2 days. I know I'm making the right descision. Thank you for just listening to me this morning and holding me. You're my support system and the one who helps me to keep calm and think clearly.

It's been a really stressful and emotionally taxing time. I think I just needed some emotional release.

I need to make so many choices and so many plans. Its frightening to have this much control over my life. No one is telling where to go or what to do anymore. If I make a mistake, its all on me. If I come out successful, I can thank myself for that too.

I'm a fighter deep down. I can get what I want and what I need and the things I dream of, as long as I believe that I can and work hard enough to get there. Sometimes plans change or need to be revised along the way, but I'm learning to be more flexible and roll with the punches.

I'm going to get a shower, get dressed, and finish up things for this wedding. When I walk down the aisle, I'm going to be looking at only one person- and I'm going to be smiling from ear to ear.

I love you so much. I can't wait to be your wife.

Do Your Best and Don't Worry

2011-04-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJHYKtE0oI&feature=related

Compare the best of their days

With the worst of your days

You won't win

With your standards so high

And your spirits so low

At least remember ...

This is you on a bad day, you on a pale day

Just do your best and don't ...

Don't worry, oh

The way you hang yourself is oh, so unfair

See the best of how they look

Against the worst of how you are

And again, you won't win

With your standards so high

And your spirits so low

At least remember ...

This is you on a drab day, you in a drab dress

Just do your best and don't ...

Don't worry, oh

The way you hang yourself is oh, so unfair

Just do your best and don't ...

Don't worry, oh

The way you watch yourself is oh, so unfair

Just do your best and don't ...

Don't worry, oh

The way you hang yourself is oh, so unfair

Just do your best and don't ...

Don't worry, oh

Do your best and don't ...

So amazingly beautiful :) Good advice too
I love love love love love Morrissey. I can't even count the ways

Before we get married. . .

2011-04-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

I want you to know that you are literally on my mind all the time. Every single moment, I'm thinking of you. It has been that way since the first time I saw you at Father Judge High School.

I know that love at first sight is sort of silly (and I'm not going to go there lol) however- I know for a fact that I absolutely adored you from the first time I saw you. Adoration at first sight.

This morning was the first time I think I truely realized how worried you are that you'll continue to get worse and that if that happens I should leave you.
I wonder how often you think of things like that.
I tell you that I'll always love you. That no matter how bad you get, I'll be right beside you. You think that it will drive me insane someday if it ever comes to that.

You have been honest with me from the start. You were so afraid to tell me that you have bi-polar but I didn't even bat an eye. I didn't care, I just knew that I wanted you and that I had to have you. I knew that I couldn't have the life I wanted without you.

I can't lie- when you first told me that you had bi-polar, I didn't completely comprehend what that meant for you, or what that meant for us as a couple. I knew about some extreme examples of behavior from family members with bi-polar, I knew what I had seen on tv, or things from discussions with other people. I knew about the stereotypical ideas about what bi-polar is supposed to act like, look like, etc.

You didn't fit that stereotype. I feel like a lot of people diagnose themselves or others with bi-polar if they have a lot of severe mood swings. I feel that a lot of people think that those with bi-polar are completely happy and then 2 seconds later are flying into a rage, or that they are just wild and manic.
I didn't notice any "symptoms" or issues that you were dealing with in the beginning of our relationship. I vaguely remember your concerns about not being able to focus and your difficulty with reading your books. I remember being worried but I figured that eventually you'd find the right combination of drugs to help. I saw you dealing with the frustration and the feelings of lost time as you sought the right treatments to help. I was with you when you were on medications that changed your personality. I was there while you were constantly drowsy and tired and out of it. I was there when you felt you were falling apart. I was there when you were dealing with depression, an on going battle that I watch you deal with day after day. I'm there with you when you're upbeat and giddy. I'm there when you're manic. All of these issues that I vaguely knew about somewhere in my mind; they're now clearer through experience.

I love you. I'll be with you through it all . . and worse if that's what it comes to.
For better or for worse, I want to be with you.
"A life without you, isn't."
I'd rather sit with you in a room while you space out and silently stare at the walls than go out to a party. I would rather be with you than go through a life without you. I'll take the good with the bad, because the good is more beautiful than anything else in the world.

Without you everything feels empty. With you, life has meaning. There's something to strive for. I don't believe that there is a meaning to this life other than the meaning we give to it. You're one of my reasons for living. My family and friends mean so much to me. The joy of living is another reason- the sky on a nice day, a great meal, amazing music. . . all wonderful, almost magical.

But without you, although I can still appreciate and enjoy and love everything else, it still feels like there is a piece missing. There's a hole in my heart. A void I can't fill. I can only remember that feeling if I dig deep. 2 years has dulled that feeling. Its like looking at a blurred image and barely being able to make out what it is.
That yearning to find "the one" just isn't there anymore.You are it for me.

I can't wait to marry you in a week. If anyone can make it, we can. I love you.

Housewife

2011-04-11T10:32:00.001-07:00

don't you want me baby?

2011-04-07T06:46:00.001-07:00

Communication

2011-04-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12089&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=742866

I still love these articles lol

That message

2011-04-02T12:35:00.001-07:00

shattered a dream :/

but it can still be okay, I promise.

Perception

2011-03-31T04:20:00.000-07:00

How you perceive things can change your life. The next time something significant happens to you (btw- what IS significant, what qualifies something as being "significant" in your life?), stop and think about what you are feeling and why. Did something good happen to you? Or have you had the worst day of your life?

Why?

Was it because of something you did? Was it because of something someone else did to make or break your day? Was it just a crazy coincidence? Is it your fault?

Our perception of an event changes the way we react to it. If a friend is in a bad mood, do you take it personally or assume that something negative happened to them that day? Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Or vice versa?

It's interesting to think about.

Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

2011-03-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

I got stuck in a traffic jam this morning on the way to work. My grandmother was driving, and we wound up sitting in traffic for about 10 ten minutes. Apparently, that is just enough time to debate about what the song "Mrs. Robinson" (by Paul Simon) is actually about.

My grandmother says its about the movie Mrs. Robinson. Mind you, I've never seen the movie but I do what its about- an affair between an older married woman and a teenager.

The song Mrs. Robinson is definitely NOT about that. It is featured in the movie, as I found out later by researching the song.

Now, I've heard this song for years. Its debut was LONG before I was born, but it wasn't until last week when it came onto my itunes shuffle that I really sat down and listened to the lyrics.
The first lines that REALLY caught me was "We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files. We'd like to help you learn to help yourself. Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes. Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home."
Sounds like a reference to being institutionalized to me.

Another few lines that caught my ears: "Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes. Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes. It's a little secret, just a Robinson's affair. Most of all you've got to hide it from the kids." Drug reference? "Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes"- space cakes? lol

After looking up the meaning of the song online, some information came up about the movie Mrs. Robinson as well as Paul Simon. The director of Mrs. Robinson was obsessed with Simon and Garfunkel and wanted 3 songs written for the movie. Paul Simon wrote one song and the director called asking for more. Simon played a little bit of a song he was working on at the time, about Mrs. Roosevelt. They changed Roosevelt to Robinson and the rest is history.

It just sucks because an otherwise wonderful song about times gone by, and the state of affairs in America is taken as a little ditty about a love affair.
Even after repeating lyrics of the song to my grandmother, she still believes that the song is about the movie and that there is no other possible meaning behind it. A lady I work with said I was getting "too deep" into the meaning. I think Paul Simon wanted people to pay attention to the lyrics, but that's just me I guess :P

Its pretty bad because both of these women, my grandmother and my co-worker, were both young when the song first came out. Its from their GENERATION and they never really payed attention to the song.

You

2011-03-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

see me at my most vulnerable. Sleepy, stressed, winding down after a long day. I know I've taken things out on you, or I've been "touchy"/moody around you. I know that I can be honest about my feelings with you, even when those feelings are ugly. Jealousy, pettiness, anger, frustration. You listen to me, you're open to hearing me out.
I love you so much and I'm so grateful for you. You deserve to only see the best of me because you stick around when I'm at my worst.